The Advice Column V

823

Advice Request
This person wants to stop being friends with a person they are close to.

Answered Submission
Hello,

I'm going to be honest with you. I don't think cutting Goop out of your life like this will solve your problems. In fact, I fear you might come to deeply regret it afterward. You care about him. And yes, it does sound like the two of you have some things you need to work out between you, but that's not an uncommon place to be in. All relationships, platonic and romantic, have their ups and downs, and from what you've written to us before, most of your issues are normal and just require a conversation (or sometimes a couple if there is a lot of information and not a lot of time to get through it in one sitting) and some effort on both sides to rectify the problem. Conflict comes with knowing people, and so wherever you go you are going to find conflict somewhere. What's important is how you handle it. From my perspective, it sounds like you are choosing to run away from your conflict, and I truly believe that if you do you'll look back in regret. It also implies a high likelihood of you doing it again in another relationship. Unfortunately, running away from problems is seldom a one-time deal. Once you do it, it becomes a viable escape option any time something gets difficult, and while sometimes it is the right choice, most of the time running does not get you where you want to be.

I want to advise you to think on it for a few days before you make your final decision. If you are set on ending your friendship with Goop, then I would still advise you to give it a few days before you completely end it. Take some time to think on your motivations behind the decision, why you feel the way you do, and what ending your friendship means. It is a big decision to cut people out of your life. I want to make sure you are as close to positive as you could be that this is the best decision for you. If it is, then know that it is going to hurt, and you are most likely going to miss him a lot for a while. It's not easy losing people we care about, even when we made the choice to leave them behind, but it is important to do what is best for you and your health. If you know that your relationship with Goop is unhealthy and there is not much of a chance of it becoming healthy in the state you are in right now. Then absolutely do what you need to do, and we support you all the way.

It's also important to think about how to tell him that you don't want to be friends anymore. This would be another good place to use our writing exercise from last time to help you organize your thoughts, and from there you can figure out what you want to say, and how you want to leave it. This can help you as well to find closure with your friendship ending rather than if you just suddenly ghosted him. You don't have to go into extreme detail about why you don't want to be friends anymore, but you should let him know a bit about why you made that choice especially since you made that promise with him. And after that, it is very important that you give both him and yourself distance from each other. Don't message him or call him, and don't seek him out to talk in person. You don't have to ignore him if you happen to see him around somewhere, but specifically don't seek him out, and don't approach him unless he's already approaching you. Ultimately, you have to remember that you are not friends.

And as for your fear that he might speak poorly about you with his friends, that is not something you can know until it happens. You can hope it doesn't, but you have to remember that he has feelings and opinions on the matter too, and he is allowed to be upset. He's losing a friend, and that's not an easy thing. You can hope he doesn't speak badly of you, but he is almost guaranteed to seek out his friends for support in some way. If you do hear about him saying bad things about you, then your best option is to just ignore it as best as you can. There isn't much you can really do in that area, unfortunately.

I truly feel that a lot of what you're struggling with has to do with how you feel in your relationships in general, not necessarily just you and Goop. That does not mean you're broken or anything like that. It simply means that you have a problem that impacts you in this specific way, and you are still working towards healing. I will never encourage someone to stay in a toxic or just unhappy relationship, and from my outside perspective I cannot determine where the big issues rest, but I can say that from what you've told us is fairly textbook of an anxious-attachment style. That would definitely feed into a LOT of what you are feeling and dealing with in regards to Goop. And that isn't something that will just go away, so ending this friendship wouldn't necessarily solve your problem, it will just postpone it. I would like to suggest reading through our last response again, and try talking to some other people as well! Friends, family, mentors, or anyone in your support system would be happy to listen to you, and I find that talking things out with someone else helps me to work through my problems and emotions a little better than ruminating on my own. It helps to have someone else to bounce thoughts and ideas off of, and overall it can just be nice to talk it over with someone else. I would also like to suggest looking into therapy or counseling if that is something you have available to you. I feel that it would be highly beneficial for you in the long run!

I hope this helps, love. Come back again, anytime! I'm sorry you aren't feeling great right now, but know that it will get better as long as you take steps to improve and heal your mental and emotional health. Good luck, dear!

Best,
The Advice Column Team