The Advice Column V

869

Advice Request
This person is confused about their feelings.

Answered Submission
Hello,

This is definitely a hard spot to be in. What it sounds like to me is you are struggling to be emotionally available. Basically, what that means is you struggle to make and maintain emotional bonds in relationships. Emotional unavailability is a pretty common problem, but it is something that can be worked on. That being said, it takes a lot of work, and it can often be an uncomfortable process because you're having to address issues you naturally seek to avoid. Wanting to work on yourself is a wonderful thing, and it is a choice that has to be made with dedication and the understanding that the issue won't just go away overnight.

First off, it might be a good idea to do some introspection. Look into yourself and try to identify why you struggle the way you do with your relationships. When did it start? Think back on the emotions you felt at the beginning of your past relationships and how they changed over time. Self-work takes place inside yourself, so it is a great place to start. Find a journal or notebook you can use to write down your thoughts during these introspection sessions, and again after them. Writing these thoughts down is a great way to organize them and can be extremely helpful in interpreting them later on.

During this process, communication is extremely important. Emotional availability isn't limited to romantic relationships; if you struggle with it there, you're likely struggling in other relationships with your friends and family as well. A lot of the issue with emotional availability comes down to a lack of trust in other people or a fear of vulnerability. Your brain's way of protecting you from those bad feelings is to block off the potential for them. What that really does though is it isolates you. No one can hurt you if no one else is around, right? Unfortunately, your brain isn't really processing the "but you" part. No one can hurt you, but you. As hard as it can be, talking about your emotions is an important step in working through this.

Now, communication goes both ways. When working through emotional unavailability, you have to think about your feelings, but you also have to take into account the feelings of others. You need to be able to gauge your emotional threshold. What that means is you need to be able to identify how available you are in a situation, and you need to be receptive to how available the other person may be as well. For example, if you are having a crappy day and you really just want to vent out your frustrations, if the person you're talking to seems distracted or disinterested, you could perceive that as a rejection. Now, that doesn't make you feel any better about your crappy day at all! Well, maybe what you don't know is this person also had a really crappy day and they just don't have the energy to take on any more emotions when they're so full of their own. So while you are asking this person to fill an emotional need, you need to be able to communicate your needs and be receptive to theirs. This whole situation could have been avoided had you asked them beforehand, "Hey, can I get some stuff off my chest?". Then, they have the opportunity to say either "Yeah, of course," or "Actually, now isn't a great time. Can I call you later and we can talk about it?". It may sting a little since you're already full of pent-up emotions, but having that boundary gives you both a place to give consent and build trust within your relationship.

Another example, flip the perspective. Your boyfriend is texting you, but you don't have any desire to talk to him right now. It's been a long day and you're tired, or maybe you're busy and can't divert too much attention to the conversation. It happens. We've all been there. Unfortunately, from his perspective, this could look like you don't care about him, or his feelings, or whatever it is he's going through. His perspective sucks! That's not a good feeling to receive from your significant other at all. That's why open communication is so important in any relationship. You need to be able to set boundaries that are understood on each side, and you need to be able to communicate that now not being a good time to talk doesn't indicate a lack of interest or care in the other person's life. Sometimes you have to be willing to sit down and listen to your boyfriend whine while you’re tired because that’s what love does to you, and some other times you will tell your boyfriend that you’re tired and you need him to send you a voice note so you can listen to it as you sleep. These actions can ease the ‘rejection’ of being physically present for your boyfriend while he’s having a tough time. Similarly if you’re having a hard day and he can’t be available, you can ask to vent or do something that eases their mind even while he’s unavailable. But he will catch up slowly later on. This is proper communication while you’re both busy.

Honestly, love, a lot of working through emotional availability issues is learning to communicate and setting boundaries. The people in your life need to know where you sit in your emotional threshold, and you need to be able to communicate either where you are, what you need, or ask where they are themselves. It's about being aware of where you are in relation to your threshold and learning to interpret (this just means asking questions to help you identify) where others are in theirs.

Ultimately, dear, I don't think you need to spend too much time worrying about dating. Where you are right now, I don't think a relationship would go well, and you'd likely end up right where the previous one did. Work on yourself first and see where things go later. In the meantime, start working on communication with him as friends, and take a look at your other relationships as well. As is said, love works best when you start as friends. I hope this helps, love. Message us again if you need anything else!

Best,
The Advice Column Team