People tend to do their best in every way possible with all their might. How come I feel pressured and depressed even though I don't give my very best? Crying does meaks you feel better afterwards but it does not mean that the feeling I'm feeling will not come back. I feel suffocated with my thoughts, not every night but when these thoughts creeps inside my mind, may it be day and night, in public or i'm alone in this room where I call comfort. The idea of being stress should not be inn my vocabulary. Want to know why? Because I don't give my all. I may not be stressed about my academe but I'm stressed out with life. The impression of asking money to my parents and siblings makes me wonder if the money they are giving me is worth accepting, thought my face is as hard as a block for asking money for my desires and not really needs makes me uestion my worth, every damn time.
I know I should lessen my expenses but why is it so hard to restrain myself from it? RESTRICTION. Restricting myself to go to fast food restuarants cause I know mama and papa argues with money and other problems but why do I feel so spoiled?
Am I even normal? I keep getting guilty but I always asks money anyway. Am I a good daughter even though my motivation in school is starting to fade (which already happened) and my performances is very low. This is not depression, I know that for sure. This is not stress also. I'm just whinning in life even though I don't really deserved it. The impression of suicide always slither in my mind but I'm too coward to really do it. I know that giving up is should not be an option but can you blame me if I feel like giving up everytime this loniless linger in me? I give advices like a freaking pro even though I myself doesn't know how to fit myself, my attitude, and my issues. What the fuck am I doing anyway?
Bored? Lonely? Desperate? I feeling them right now but I don't like admitting these things to anyone. I know I can talk to my family and friends about this, about life, but I just don't have the courage to tell them.
I have trust issues, commitment issue, easily attached but also easily bored, and many more issues that's why I won't tell them. I can't. I have a piece of paper and ballpens anyways.They will be my companion in the meantime. As for others, I'll be that someone who will give advices on things, whatever that may be but they musn't know how I truly feel. Putting a wall against anyone is not that easily and breaking that yourself is much harder. Hypocrite, right? I know, that's me. I'm sorry.
-rcclypohaxx (06-04-22)
