Through His Eyes

35

*Earlier that morning*

It was Thursday.

It should be another typical weekday, huh? Unfortunately not for me.

I spent the night at Logan's house. I finally managed to get my mother to let me be. To let me have back the little freedom I once had before we returned.

And of course, she could never say no to Logan.

Logan and I haven't done it again. Where was the time? We barely saw one another. One because because of my mother, and the other, well, my fiancé is a busy man.

Fluffy has been staying with me at my mother's place. Jasmine did not like the thought of having little droppings around her house and there was no one to look after her at Logan's place.

It wasn't a complete nightmare. My mother seemed to love having her there, so did Mason and Jaxon.

I didn't see much of Dylan. He was quite busy with college applications and excessive training for if he got a sports scholarship. Kai was currently in exam season so none of us saw much of him. However, he does spend most of his time studying at Logan's place.

I would be lying if I said I was ready for life outside of high school. I've been thinking about the current situation I was in. All my life I was dependent on someone else. Never myself.

It feels like I won't get the opportunity to just be by myself. I've been leeching off of my parents for 18 years and now my mother is dumping my low maintenance ass on another person. I don't think it's entirely fair to just hop from one benefactor to the next, but it is sort of comforting.

It still twists knots in my stomach though. Who am I to ask Logan to just "switch" up his entire life for someone he barely knows, only because I haven't experienced the world independently yet.

He has his entire life sorted out. He has his own place to call home, a job he seems to adore, a best friend he has known and trusts for years- who also happens to be his business partner; multiple cars, money he can spend however he'd like, and he is beyond good looking.

What do I have? What do I bring to the table?

Absolute shit. That's what.

How could I possibly believe that a life with someone like him would be fulfilling? For him, I mean. How could I ever give him what he needs, wants, desires?

That's just it. I don't think I can. I can't.

I managed to get through high school. Barely that is. But I made it. I graduate in a few days and still I have no idea what I plan to do next. I can't depend on Logan financially, I refuse to. I can't depend on the summer job Nicholas and I have, it was just a one-time side hustle thing. I can't study to be this exquisite doctor or lawyer or get one of those jobs that are considered "up there".

And let's face it. Not many people believe art to be a real job. Trying to make it in the art industry isn't as easy as I would want it to be but I've always wanted to travel and make artwork. It might not seem ideal, but it's what I want. And I can't have that.

I sound selfish. I know.

But I try to reassure myself by telling myself that not everyone has their life figured out. Regardless of what age they could be. I'm still learning new things about myself, still growing into the person I might not have thought I'd become. Even so, it would be nice to have some sort of direction.

---

I sighed as I managed to pull myself out of the daze I was in. Logan was at work and Kai was studying downstairs. I was sitting on the bathroom floor. I didn't think I'd be in a situation like this but I have no excuse for it either.