I'm not okay

Chapter eighteen

When the tube is finally in my arm, the chemo begins.

"You know when your hair does fall out, you can wear those cool scarfs from Gucci, Dior and stuff" Cye tells me smiling.

I look up at him, "don't old people wear those?" I ask him a little confused.

He gasps fake hurting and slaps his hand against his heart, "no, no it's for fashionable people" he says.

I nod my head, "okay, I'll wear it if my head's cold" I tell him

He smiles and nods his head, "okay" he says while giving me a kiss on the head.

————

I jump out of bed weakly and rush into my bathroom.

I start throwing up harshly as tears form in my eyes.

My throat hurts.

Everything hurts.

I don't like this.

I really don't.

I slump against the wall when I suddenly feel more bile rise up my throat.

I start emptying my stomach even more out when I suddenly feel hands wrap around my hair and hold it out of my face for me.

"Shhh it's okay, let it all out" Leo says softly while rubbing my back.

"I don't feel so good" I cry out as Leo grabs some toilet paper and wipes my mouth.

"I know, I'm sorry" Leo says softly before helping me stand up while supporting most of my weight.

He flushes the toilet before helping me brush my teeth.

When we're done, he picks me up and walks me to my bed.

"Just breathe, deep breaths" Leo says softly while kissing my head.

"It hurts" I cry out.

"I know baby, it'll be okay though, it'll stop hurting soon. It'll all get better" he smiles softly at me.

"Lele?" I ask

"Yeah?"

"How much longer do I have to do this?" I ask him.

This is the third time I've thrown up since this morning.

I can't hold anything in my stomach anymore because of this chemo.

Lele is silent for a couple of seconds until he finally starts talking, "I don't know baby, I think you will have to do this weekly for a couple months. Until all the cancer cells are gone" he says softly.

"I don't want to do this any longer" I tell him.

I've never felt so weak and sick before and this is only the first time.

I can't imagine how much worse it'll get.

"Baby this was the first time, it'll get easier with time" he tells me.