Hidden Within the Shadows

to figure out oneself

Eddie Munson was a nuisance. Ever since he had mentioned, so casually, that he was gay, it made something in Nina's head click into place.

Something about being queer made sense to her. She just ... couldn't quite grasp what the fuck it was. She'd tried journalling, the word vomit coming out on the page messily, a chicken scratch that was hard to discern. Nina would look over the words, and highlight some of the words that stood out to her.

She'd put them on a new page, fresh of ink blots or scratches.

Being a girl sucks

boobs are shit.

Im not happy in my body

I want short hair

my skin doesn't feel right

Nina stared at the sentences that scattered the page. She hated being a girl. When she imagined herself as she was, well, it was nasty. She hated her appearance, how girly she looked. It sucked, and Nina didn't know what to do about it.

My body is wrong, she wrote, trying to get her mind in order, my body image doesn't feel right. When I look at myself in the mirror, it makes me feel sick to my stomach. There's nothing about my physical appearance that makes me feel at ease in myself.

Nina paused. Being a girl is wrong, she wrote, and her hand stilled. I was right, I should've been born a boy.

Nina stared at those last few words, and her stomach dropped. A cold sweat broke out on her body, and before she knew it, she was running to the bathroom. Nina made it just in time to throw up into the toilet. It felt like she couldn't breathe as she gasped and choked, trying to get air into her lungs. She could feel the hot tears on her face, snot smearing under her nose. Oh fuck, why was this happening to her?

She was barely aware she was sobbing before Nancy was there, speaking to her, wrapping her arms around her.

"Ninny, what's wrong?" she asked, and the nickname made her feel weird, skin starting to crawl.

"Nancy," she said weakly. Nancy grabbed some toilet paper and wiped at Nina's face.

"C'mon, to your room," she said and helped Nina to her feet.

Her legs felt like jelly, but the two managed the short walk to the bedroom. Nina managed to get to the bed and settled there uneasily. Nancy vanished and returned with a bucket.

"If you're gonna hurl again, I don't think you'll make it to the bathroom in time," Nancy said, trying to sound jokey and nice. "Nina, are you OK?"

Nina wiped at her face and then gestured to her journal. "I'm ... I'm so not OK. Fuck." Sniffling, and feeling very pathetic, Nina watched as Nancy walked over to her desk and looked into the journal. Nancy's fingers went over the page, stilling at certain words. Her body had gone stock still, and Nina could see Nancy's expression in the mirror. Shock and horror.

Yeah, Nina felt the exact same way.

"Nina ... what - you're a girl,"

"I know," she said, voice edging towards a whimper. "I don't - do you think I even understand it? I feel so wrong in this goddamn body, and I hate being a girl, and then I think maybe I should've been born a boy, and I feel so damn sick to my stomach because somehow that made sense." Nina ranted, then screwed her face up, fists pressing into her eyes. "None of it makes sense, but it does at the same time, and I have no idea what to do about it."

Nancy settled down on Nina's desk chair, looking pale and scared. "You ... Nina. This isn't natural - it's not normal,"

"You think I don't know that?" she asked. "It - fuck! Nancy, I've always felt wrong. You know how much I hated wearing dresses and skirts. Mom and Dad always said I'd grow out of it. But I don't think I ever will. It makes sense to make. It - you never understand me."