unhealthy ryden

hey look ma, i made it

Fast forward another month. Remember how I said Ryan would tell me if he was taking a break from his phone? Yeah, well, scratch that. The disappearing started to become more frequent, to the point where it was a habit and a daily routine. I'd be lucky if I even saw Ryan once a week. And every time we hung out it would just be me begging him to stop disappearing on me, getting angry, him getting upset with me for getting angry, and ending with me apologizing for his mistakes.

His frequent absence resulted in me getting obsessed, and attached. The only thing on my mind was Ryan. When is he going to call? What is he doing right now? Is he mad at me? Is he cheating on me? Is he dead? Did he kill himself? All these thoughts ruined my days throughout the month, and slowly started to deteriorate my mental health.

It was now September, so school had started. Because of school, he was even more busy than before. So I'd be lucky if I got a single text from him. We went to different schools, and he was a year older, so his school, and being a junior, was hard on him. I tried to be more understanding of that, but I couldn't help but miss him more.

One Sunday morning, I woke up and patiently waited for Ryan to call me as I got ready for the day. Well, more like hoped he called me. I eventually got tired of waiting around, so I stopped worrying and just continued with my day. My mom and I went out for the day together. When my mom and I were out for dinner, she had gotten upset with me about something and yelled at me in the restaurant. I was embarrassed, and I had gotten really upset. This wasn't the first time this had happened though, my mom got mad and yelled at me a lot, almost every day, and this was just my last straw. I was beyond upset and angry.

On the way home from that outing, I kept thinking about what it would be like to live with my dad instead. Wondering if he would yell at me the same way my mom would. I loved my dad of course, but I wasn't very close with him. All I knew is that he cared about me and wanted me to be happy no matter what. I wonder what living like that would be like. Maybe I'd be happy for once.

When I got home, I went straight to my room and shut the door. Not all the way though, because if I did my mom would get mad. I paced around my room, my anger slowly turning into frustration and sadness. Out of no where I get a call from Ryan.

"Ryan!! Thank god."

"Hey Bren, what's going on?"

I start crying at the relief of hearing his voice.

"Ryan you need to help me, I had the worst day."

"Tell me what happened."

I tell him the whole story of today, and a lot of things from the past. How my home life is, yet overly exaggerated. I was upset in the moment, so I made things seem a lot worse than they actually are. But in reality, they weren't even that horrible. After I was done rambling and ranting he started to talk.

"Brendon... you really need to get out of there."

"What do you mean?"

"You should try to go live with your dad, it doesn't sound safe there."

Doesn't sound safe? All I said was how my mom yells at me and gets mad at me for closing doors. Why is he saying I'm unsafe? Am I unsafe? He kept talking, and told me the whole legal process of moving in with my dad, and how my situation was similar with his. How this is reminding him of what he went through, and how I needed to get out of here. It felt as if he was forcing me. He kept telling me to go downstairs and tell my mom. He kept encouraging me. 

I listened.

"Ry I don't know what to do. You really think I should try to move in with my dad?"

"I think it would be safest for you, everything you're telling me is extremely abusive. It's not good. You need to get out of there Brendon."