unhealthy ryden

all by yourself

SMUT WARNING

After the night Ryan went all crazy on Sarah and I, I suddenly became even more depressed than before. I was at my lowest, and I didn't know what to do with myself. Ryan had told me not to call him, and I listened. I felt so tempted to call him every chance I got, but I stopped myself. It hurt so bad, like I was being stabbed in the chest repeatedly. He didn't want me anymore, and I didn't even know why.

He did say he wanted a break, so I was a little optimistic, hoping he'd come back to me when he's ready. Like I said, I didn't know why he wanted this break. I didn't do anything, and he saw what happened. I didn't kiss Sarah, she kissed me when I was trying to get away from her. Either way, she is a lesbian and I'm gay. He was being incredibly foolish about it.

Two days pass by, and I can hardly get out of bed. I can't tell my mom about what had happened, because I was still seeing him behind her back. I just had to deal with it alone. When I was back at school on Monday, I saw everyone again at lunch. I was afraid they'd all be mad at me, but they were curious to know what had happened when I chased after Ryan. I tell them everything, and Mike gets mad.

"What the fuck dude!? You didn't even do anything!"

I nod, because I know I didn't do anything. Sarah's sitting here quietly, she's about to say something, but I stop her.

"It's not your fault Sarah."

I catch her off guard, and she gives me a half smile.

"I'm still sorry. I didn't realize you were saying no when everyone was literally screaming."

We all look at Spencer and Dan, and they just hold up the middle fingers at us. Sarah loosens up after I reassure her it's okay.

During the rest of lunch, everyone shit talked Ryan together. I just sat and listened, letting them point out all my boyfriend's flaws. Well, not boyfriend. What even are you considered when on a break? I still thought of him as my boyfriend, and I don't think I'd ever be able to stop thinking of him that way. We all parted our ways after the bell rings, and I head to the rest of my classes for the day, worrying about what he was doing, or what he was thinking. He was the only person on my mind.

When I got home, I went up to my room, threw my things on the floor, and collapsed on my bed. I hated living like this. I hated being alone all the time, feeling like I had nobody when I really did have people here for me. Ryan distracted me from all the good in my life, only making me focus on the bad. I never realized it, not until the very end. I try to keep myself busy by doing other things, but I find myself looking at our photos together. All the ones I printed out before we weren't allowed to see each other. During the era of our relationship when he actually loved me, when he actually cared.

In the middle of me sulking over the past, I hear my burner phone start to ring. My heart drops when I see the name on the screen.

It's Ryan.

I wait for it to ring a few times, so I didn't seem desperate.

"Hey."

"Hey Brendon, are you busy?"

I look down at the mess I made on my floor.

"No, not really. What's up?"

"I don't know."

Here we fucking go again. I don't say anything, waiting for him to speak up first. I couldn't be the one making all the effort in this relationship. I was getting sick of it. He talks after a few seconds.

"I miss you."

My anger suddenly turned into bliss. He misses me? He's been thinking about me? I started to get all excited, hoping Saturday was just a big stupid mistake. Hoping that he realized he was in the wrong for once.