unhealthy ryden

impossible year

I proceeded to lose control as I fully convince myself that Ryan has killed himself. I hadn't heard from him in three days, straight. I continuously called him, freaking out, praying he was okay. Before he'd disappear a lot, but I'd at least hear from him a few times throughout the day. But now, nothing at all for the rest of the week. 

Him being gone completely ruined my Christmas. I tried to enjoy myself, and my time with my family, but I was fully persuaded that he was dead. On the morning of New Year's Eve, I get woken up by a call from Ryan. I have never grabbed my phone so quickly. I picked up, extremely relieved.

"Ryan!!! Thank god. Where have you been?"

"Hi, I'm sorry."

He sounded sad, I started to get nervous as his tone stayed colorless. 

"You were gone for three days straight Ryan."

"I know, I'm sorry. I'm usually really busy during this time of the year."

Here we go again. He really couldn't tell me? Just a quick heads up? I could care less if he didn't talk to me for three days straight, as long as he gave me a fucking warning. But, I just wanted to talk to my fucking boyfriend. Why was that so much to ask for? Communication did not exist with him. 

"You really couldn't tell me?"

There was a pause. 

"I don't know."

I started to get agitated as he started to sound less and less caring by the second. 

"Can you please just tell me next time Ryan, I'm getting sick of this."

"Yeah."

Now he sounds upset. Not even upset, just plain dull. I started to feel guilty again. How come everything I say upsets him? Was I being a bad boyfriend? Was I being too harsh? 

"Are you upset now?"

"No."

He was obviously lying, he wouldn't give me anything. I started to feel more remorseful. 

"Yes you are, I'm sorry Ry. I just thought you were dead, as always."

He ignored everything I said, except for the apology. 

"It's fine."

I sigh loudly, getting exhausted at this constant cycle. I couldn't say anything, or confront him for his immature and inconsiderate actions. Every time I said anything, he'd make me feel guilty about it. He thrived off of apologies and people who kissed his ass. I was sadly one of those people. 

"I have to go Brendon I'll call you later."

"No you won't"

Shit, why did I say that? Now he definitely won't call me. Since he'll think I'm mad now. He always avoided me more when I was angry, he was too much of a pussy to deal with the consequences of his actions, and always ran away from his problems. There is a short pause after my moment of impulsivity. 

"Bye."

He hangs up on me. Not even a single I love you, or anything. My health had just kept declining after each intervention. He was tiring me out, but I couldn't leave him. When things were good between us, they're really good. The bad times were the majority though, but he made me way too happy when we were okay. When we got along. I loved him more than I ever loved myself, and I showed it too much. He was the only person keeping me sane during all this bullshit at home. I needed him, and I couldn't help but depend on him. I tried my best not to, but there is something about him that's so addicting. Something so strong about his charisma that makes me feel like I need him to live. 

As the day went on, it was finally 11:55pm, almost 12am. It was 2005, and the year was just about to be 2006. I get a call from Ryan just as the clocked just strikes 11:56pm, I pick up after the first ring, happy that he decided to call back. 

"Hey Ry!"

I tried to sound normal and happy, I didn't want him to think I was mad at him, and I didn't want to go into the new year fighting with him. 

"Hey Bren, I just wanted to spend the last 4 minutes of the year with my favorite person."

My heart flutters at his sweet comment. I forgot about everything that happy earlier this morning, and I think he did too. We talked for a bit, he told me how he went to his mom's, and she got him more gifts, and told me everything he got. I was glad he got what he wanted, and glad it made him feel better, even though he was being a little ungrateful. We talk until 12am on the phone, entering the new year together. We didn't realize it was the new year until 12:03, we were too busy talking, talking as if we were really in love.

"Oh shit! Happy New Year Ry."

"What? Oh fuck it is the new year! We missed it."

I didn't care. I was happy things were okay right now. Each time things were positive between us, I never took the moments for granted. I revel in every moment we spend together, as long as we're not going at each other's throats, or Ryan getting upset for no reason and me begging for forgiveness. We talk for the rest of the night, and he leaves to go to sleep at 2am. Since my dad and his girlfriend were still awake, I went to hangout with them. They always stayed up really late, I wouldn't be surprised if they never slept. I go into the living room where they're hanging out, and join them. My dads' girlfriend whispers in his ear.

"Oh yeah! Hey B, we got you something else for Christmas, but it didn't come until this morning. So, consider this your New Year's present."

He gets up to leave the room, and comes back with a small box. He hands it to me and I open it carefully, having no genuine clue of what it is. When I get it fully opened, I gasp at what I'm seeing. 

It was a phone. 

"A phone!? But dad, I already have one."

"Yes, but, your mother takes it from you, and you need to call me too. So, hide it from your mother, okay?"

"Okay, I will! Thank you!"

I open the box and take out the phone, getting it all set up and everything. It was the Motorola Razr V3 phone. A lot better than my Nokia. After I'm done setting it up, I copy down all my contacts, and continue to send the same text to everyone about my new phone. It blows up, all my friends calling me, getting excited that I could call them all now. It was my very own burner phone. Now I could call Ryan whenever I wanted, and text him anything I want. I got all excited over this privilege, forgetting how Ryan disappears on me. I didn't even care, because now I could call my friends too. Everything was good right now, Ryan and I had a good night, and now I have a new phone that I can actually use. Everything was good. Maybe this year will be a good one. Maybe it will be a lot better than the last.

It was in fact, a lot worse.