unhealthy ryden

i constantly thank god for esteban

TW : SELF HARM

After Ryan and I's first time, we became inseparable. Just like as we were before. I snuck out a lot to see him, and he started calling back and emailing more. I got so lost in the happiness his attention gave me. I was finally glad he was acting like he wanted to be with me. 

Over time, things start to get better between my mom and I. It's now November. I wanted to wait until things were perfect again to ask if I could see Ryan again. I felt bad seeing him behind her back, but I needed to see him. I savored every weekend I spent with my dad, recharging from a week of fake happiness and non-stop talking. My mom was only ever happy with me unless I was happy twenty four-seven, and talked to her all the time. I was always exhausted from it, but anything to be able to see Ryan again. I'd do anything for him. 

One day, Ryan and I were together at his house. I sneaked out successfully, yet only had so much time. We hung out in his bedroom, on the floor. We kind of created this unspoken code. When Ryan wanted to do anything sexual, he'd get on his bed. If he just wanted to hangout with me, he'd get on the floor. It was really helpful actually, since I wanted to be careful with him. Plus, having sex on the floor would hurt like hell, but I wouldn't mind trying it. 

"Remember when I asked you like, what the weirdest thing you've ever done was?"

Oh god, not again. Please don't tell me he robbed a bank or almost shot up a school. I couldn't handle another one of his crazy stories. He told me many more over time. How he fantasized about killing all the people he hates. How he dreams about killing his step dad, and exactly how he'd do it. His blood kink. How his dog, Hobo, pissed all over his amplifier. He wanted to kill his dog because of that, and I had to talk him out of it. Sometimes I was a little scared around him, but he was just so awkward and scrawny. I couldn't imagine any of these things. 

"Yeah."

"Have you thought of anything?"

I once again took a moment to think. My breathing sped up as I started to freak out over what his next story was going to be. I tried my best to hide my panic, and thank god he doesn't notice.

"I don't know Ryan, I once stole a pack of gum from 7-eleven."

He giggles quietly and smiles. My anxiety calms down for a moment when I see him smile. There was something about him, something that comforted me. He just had a natural charisma, and it made me want to be around him every possible moment. He grabs my hand and squeezes it. 

"C'mon, you really can't think of anything?"

"No Ry, I'm really not as interesting as you are."

Interesting. Definitely the right word to use. 

"I'll tell you something."

Oh god. Great. What is it going to be this time? Is he actually older than he says he his and lived a past life and killed his entire family? Did he come from another country and got a whole new identity? I started to panic, hoping it wasn't anything bad. 

"Have I ever told you the story of my first kiss?"

I let out a huge breath I didn't realize I was holding in. He gives me a weird look when I exhale. Shit, I hope he didn't notice I was freaking out. I shake my head at his question. We never really shared stories about past relationships, yet I was excited to hear about it. I was beyond relieved that he hadn't killed his step dad. 

"So, I was 12-"

"12?!"

"Yes, shush." 

I wasn't surprised at how young he was. He was perfect. Imagine getting to say your first kiss was with Ryan Ross. I'd kill for that privilege.