unhealthy ryden

trade mistakes

TW : MENTIONS OF SELF HARM

I couldn't sleep all night. Worrying about Ryan and what he was thinking. Wondering why he didn't say anything when I was being vulnerable. It didn't seem fair. It wasn't fair. 

I call him all throughout the day, worrying he was slowly starting to hate me or something. I knew I was being too much, but I couldn't help it. I wanted to know why he acted like he didn't care. During lunch, my friends plan to hangout all together over the weekend. They ask if Ryan wants to come, but I just say I don't know. I really didn't want to be around him. 

When I get home from school that day, I can't help but want to talk to Ryan. I bet he was avoiding me, because of what happened last night. I contemplate calling him, and me being blinded by love, calls him. It rings five times, then he answers. 

"Hey."

"Hey Ry, can we talk?"

"About what?"

He sounded miserable. Not even that, just depressed and careless. I started to get nervous.

"About how you haven't been fucking around maybe."

"Dude calm down, my dad took my phone."

Dude? Did he just fucking call me dude?

"Can you not talk to me like that please? How was I supposed to know? What happened last night Ryan?"

"What do you mean?"

What do I mean? What the fuck does he mean? I started to get more angry. 

"Seriously? Did I trigger you or something?"

"Trigger me?"

"Yeah, by telling you about what happened last night."

I took a deep breath, pausing, waiting to see if he would reply. He stayed silent.

"You were acting like you didn't care."

There was a long pause, I tried to listen closely to see if I could hear him breathe, but it was dead silent. 

"I didn't mean to act like Brendon, I'm sorry."

He paused, I didn't say anything to see if he would say anything else.

"I do care. I'm really sorry you did that."

Wow. What wonderful comfort. After the countless nights I stayed up on the phone, making sure he was happy by the end of it, and this is all I get. I'm about to say something, but he keeps going. 

"Wait, I worded that weird."

Yeah, he did. I listened, waiting to see if he had a better response. 

"I'm sorry that things got bad enough for you to do that again."

What the fuck? Like that was any better. The tone of his voice sounded indiscreet. It only convinced me more that he didn't care. 

"It's okay Ry. What happened last night then?"

There was a long pause.

"I don't know."

Here we go again. 

"What happened? Please just tell me Ryan."

Another long pause. I was starting to get impatient. I just wanted to know what the hell was wrong so we could fix things. I was getting tired. 

"I've been feeling off, basically this whole month."

No shit. It felt more like he was off the past six months.