unhealthy ryden

sad clown

TW : SELF HARM, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, AND SMUT

After Ryan and I make things official, we become inseparable, once again. It was almost like a cycle. Whenever we had sex, had a big dramatic fight, or anything that resulted in making up, he would fall in love with me all over again. It felt as if his love for me faded over time, until something big happened to make him love me again. I never noticed it until the more intense events happened. But, we'll get there soon.

It is now December, and our inseparableness fades once again, and things with my mom get worse and worse. Ryan and I got into fights everyday, him disappearing, and me feeling unsafe at home. The only people who were helping me out were all my friends, though I couldn't talk to them outside of school. I had never felt relieved going into school before, but when it became my only escape from home, I actually got up in the morning.

Every day got harder and harder. I stopped taking care of myself, I hardly ate, and I never got sleep. Some nights I wished I just wouldn't wake up the next morning. I couldn't take it anymore. If I didn't have Ryan in my life, I would have most definitely killed myself. My habits of cutting only became more powerful each time Ryan and I would fight, or each time my mom made me more miserable.

One day, my mom picks me up from school, and tells me we have a therapy appointment. Great. Another opportunity for my mom to just yell at me and blame everything on me. We make our way to the office, at go inside at 3pm on the dot. I didn't even feel nervous anymore, I knew it was just going to be her yelling at me for the usual. We hardly ever talked at home, just once in a while. Though, it would be my mom asking me if I wanted to go live with my dad because she didn't want me there since I wouldn't speak to her. I couldn't though, I was just plain scared of her. I didn't feel safe.

When we got into the office, we all greet each other, and my mom explains the whole story, not letting me have a say, or input a different perspective in this situation. She continues on and on about how Ryan forced me and this and that, and me just denying. When the therapist finally caught on that I wasn't getting the chance to say anything, she interrupts my mom's rambling.

"How are you doing Brendon?"

I look up at the therapist, relieved that she is letting me speak for a change. I didn't know what to say though. I couldn't say I was doing bad, because then my mom would get mad. I couldn't say I was doing good, because then that would just be psychotic of me.

"I'm okay."

She smiles and looks at my mom. She continues to ask me questions and I give short answers, just saying what my mom wanted to hear so I wouldn't get murdered later that night.

"How is your mental health?"

I ponder at the question. I couldn't tell them how I've been self-harming, because then I'd probably get sent somewhere. I couldn't see Ryan any less than I already was.

"I don't know."

I kept giving short answers, which only made my mom even more mad. Saying how I never spoke. Though, if I did speak my mind, it would only make her more mad. You could never make her happy. When my mom started rambling again, I blurt out the one thing I didn't want to.

"I've been thinking about hurting myself."

My mom stops, and looks at me. The therapists attention is on me now. At least I didn't say I had been harming, maybe my mom knowing would make her lean back a bit. But, it only made her more mad, as usual.

"What are you talking about!? You're only saying that because you want me to let you see this boy. You would never hurt yourself Brendon."

If only she knew.