Across the Pond

Chapter 27

Nico grabbed my hand and I didn't stop him. When we were making our way to the private beach on his property, he reached for my hand and I didn't flinch. I let his fingers intertwine with mine. I let his touch touch mine. I can't help it. It just feels right. I feel safe when he's holding onto me. Like nothing bad can happen. Why would I want to let go of that? How can I let go of someone who gives me that?

"Let's sit," I say when we get to the center of the beach. Before we left, I made sure to grab a coconut water from the fridge. I also managed to sneak a few pieces of bread when Hayley wasn't looking. "Here, have this," I say, handing him both.

"I'm good," he assures me, but I pout my lips at him. "Fine," he says, taking it from my grip. He bites into the bread first before taking a sip of the coconut water. "You know I'm fine, right?"

"You know you can't lie to me and get away with it, right?"

He smirks at me. His hands are wrapped around his knees and he's looking out at the water. "The same goes for you, too, you know? You can't lie to me and get away with it." Then he softly nudges my leg with his. "So, tell me...why'd you want space from me?"

"I already told you, Nico."

He shakes his head at me like that response doesn't satisfy him. "I can't not have you in my life, BC."

"I'm still in your life. Just not under your terms."

"Not under yours either. You sit here and you tell me that you want the space, but I don't think that you really do."

"Nico..."

"No, you know it's true."

"What do you expect me to do? Wait around until my feelings for you decide to magically disappear? I've tried that route, Nico. It didn't work."

"They don't have to disappear."

"I'm not going to spend the rest of my life thinking about someone who doesn't think about me. I'm not going to spend the rest of my life loving someone who doesn't love me back."

"But I do think about you. And I do love you."

"Not the way that I do for you, though."

He doesn't say anything, and it makes me realize that I can't keep having this kind of conversation with him. The kind where I keep admitting how I feel and him not saying it back. I know that he thinks about me and I know that he loves me. But there are levels. And the level that I'm on is not the same level that Nico's on.

"Bella...," he begins, but then stops himself. If I could wish for anything in that moment, it would be for him to say something more; not even that he wants to be with me. I just need him to give me clarity. Closure. Something. Anything.

But he doesn't, and I know that I've got to move on.

"Let's not say anything else, okay?" I say, pointing to the sunset. "Look. Look how beautiful the sky looks tonight. Let's just take it in and not say anything. Okay?"

I don't even know why I ask him that. I guess it's true - I am scared of the truth. Part of me doesn't want him to be honest with me if it's going to hurt me.

"Okay," he gives in and whispers. "Whatever you want. I'll do whatever you want."

It's nowhere near what I want, I want to say to him. But I don't. And the next hour is spent in silence. The loudest silence that I've ever experienced.