𝗪𝗛𝗔𝗧 𝗔𝗕𝗢𝗨𝗧 𝗨𝗦 ? (wlw)

⚘᠂ 𝗘𝗣𝗜𝗟𝗢𝗚𝗨𝗘

alina dormer
| 𝗘𝗣𝗜𝗟𝗢𝗚𝗨𝗘 |
#.    024

𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗𝗜𝗡𝗚 by the end of Ellie's bed, I sunk my hands into the comforter. Without her sheets, it felt less like her and more like a newly bought comforter from the store. As my eyes dried with tears and my cheeks swelled with pleas of 'no more crying', my fingers wrapped around the plush fabric so tight, that I could actually feel my bones on the other side. It felt so empty. It was flooded with stuffing and soft cotton but it was still empty. It was missing Ellie's favourite mandala sheets, which were now tucked away in a cardboard box and not wrapped around her figure as she read in her bed.

I started to sting again, I felt my organs falling into my legs and down to my toes. I felt the roaring of anguish confine my limbs and muscles as my sickening guilt now felt permanent. Slowly, I brought the comforter up to my face and instantly bundled my nose with the soft blanket. Inhaling, my nose was possessed by her faint smell. I couldn't help but quiver a smile as her cherry blossom scent sent me into a frenzy of all the times I was close enough to smell her. I remembered smelling the sweet fragrance for the first time. It was after we'd been roommates for a couple of days and I heard her spritz the perfume onto herself and it didn't take long until it had diffused into my nose. My lungs filled with her smell, so perfectly strong that it was like poison. A sweet poison that I was incredibly addicted too and would be for the rest of my life. It was Ellie's smell and only hers.

Feeling a rush to my eyes, I released my hands and let go of her comforter where I then turned on my feet and walked towards the open bathroom. Stepping onto the cold floor, I became quite chilled as I looked into the mirror and remembered her face, her beautiful face that frantically packed up all of her things. I fixated my eyes onto the now smeared yet still legible writing in the corner of the mirror. My heart cracked and swelled and broke at the feeling of my own stupidity and just how disappointed I was. Who had I become? I was disgusted because I couldn't claim that 'I wasn't me'. I couldn't deny my own failure in being a decent human being because this was who I am. I wasn't kind nor reliable and I felt nauseous that I once believed those things about myself.

My lips pursed as I stared into the mirror, my face straight as I looked at who I was looking at. I felt myself begin to vanish, everything inside of me fell mute and only my brain was allowed to work. I blinked and I stared and I saw, I was evil. I was cruel and I was repulsive. And I was somebody who had lost the love of my life and that was my punishment.

Tussling from outside and muffled voices barely broke my conscious and I absentmindedly listened to the illegible voices.

"No I know right? Who would've thought?" It was Natalie. "Not me. Hey, Alina! You in here?" She called out loudly, oblivious to my whereabouts.

"You haven't even finished packing? Alina, you're moving rooms tomorrow - you're shit is still everywhere!" Jules chirped up and I could hear both of them come further and further into the room. Their steps were getting louder and more clear. I listened to her then sigh frustratedly, "Where the hell is she?"

I remained quiet, not wanting to see or speak to either of them. They wouldn't understand a single ounce of the situation. All they understood was my stupid fucking snapchat story, God, am I a dumbass? They hadn't really 'checked' on me ever since they found out, all they had really done was talk to me about how much of a freak Ellie was and say some not so 'ally' things.

"Alina? You in here?" The door barely echoed a knock as it pushed open completely and gently bounced against the opposite wall. Looking into the mirror still, I replaced my eyes onto Natalie who now smiled at the sight of me. "Hi mime, forgot how to talk?"