When You're Fanboy Af (Muke)

0.6 - The WTF Chapter

I've had enough being serious

*Michael*

"Calum," I said sharply, my eyes shut as my cheek pressed against his chest. He sighed, his positive mood quickly shifting into something sinister.

"I'm sorry, that was wrong of me," he grumbled.

"Why did you do it?" I asked, my voice muffled as his arm wrapped around me and covered my mouth.

"I thought it would be a laugh. Michael, things aren't going to be great forever, people are going to change, but I don't want either of us to change," he croaked. I could feel his chest moving up and down as his breathing rate increased. My right arm wrapped around the back of Calum and met with my life somewhere down the line, as I pulled myself closer into his embrace.

"You're right. I need to stop being so immature. This whole week all I've done is pretend none of this has bothered me, when it has. I don't understand Cal."

"Shh, none of this is your fault," he insisted, his voice shaking slightly, as his own grip tightened.

"We didn't watch any anime," I said. I could feel myself shaking again, every part of my body was weak and frail and pathetic. I can't even protect myself, never mind Calum.

"We didn't watch the Walking Dead either," he replied. His forehead slowly shuffled into my thin hair. I let out a small dry chuckle.

"I'm scared," I mumble, my fingernails digging into his clothes.

"I know babe. We're wrecks. The pair of us," he chuckles, his breath faltering at times. My fingers loosened their grip, and fell around Cal as a sudden loss of energy swept over my body, my entire weight seemingly falling on Calum, who somehow managed to keep himself upright. He laughed though.

"How is it we can go from joking, to kissing, to emotional?" I asked rhetorically. I didn't get an answer, so I shifted around sideways so that I could see upwards and could look at Calum's face. It was so calm and collected, yet his eyes glistened with sadness. He almost seemed reluctant about something, yet I couldn't see that far into those deep eyes of his.

"Eh, I dunno," he said half heartedly. It dawned on me that I may be sounding stupid and needy, and pulled myself up and away from him. I don't want him to change, but it feels like I'm too late. Is it possible to pick up the pieces now?

"I kissed you, because I have unexpected feelings for someone," he blurted out once I was off his lap. He looked down immediately after he had spoken into his lap, his eyes still slightly tearful. With dim eyes, I sat and stared. For a moment or two we sat in silence, until he looked up to see what I was doing. I didn't care. He could see that. I knew he didn't want me to care. 

"Who?" I demanded. He shrugged his shoulders.

"Kat."

"Oh." 

"But it's complicated. I can't understand it myself," he started, "it's like one minute I have feelings for someone, and the next, they're completely gone, and in their place is feelings for another person." I continue to just look at him, my eyes showing no emotion as I just listened. 

"It's like, I can't accept the fact that I don't have feelings for that person, but then you think, well in that case you care so you do, but I don't and I can't bring myself to accept that I don't love you anymore," he blurted out, his breathing rate increasing dramatically as his voice raised in pitch.

"Me?" I said, my eyebrows raising suggestively, "so you kissed me to see if you'd still have feelings for me?" A guilty frown crept upon his face like a thunderstorm.

"I'm sorry, I'm so selfish-"

"Nah. It's fine. I get it. I'm sorry you never had the courage to tell me," I said with a half assumption. Calum flinched into himself.

"Th-that's not why I didn't tell you... You... Just looked happy. And I thought that you'd been ruined enough at the time to care about feelings." Suddenly I find that I'm the one feeling guilty. I never understood Calum after all this time. He's been here, yet I've never noticed that he feels this way. Is it because I'm stupid, or because he's clever? Maybe it's both, and maybe I don't deserve him? I can't wrap my head around anything. It's just confusing. My emotions and feelings are in so many places, that I even question myself sometimes. Is it really Luke I like? Or is it Calum? Or is it the boy who I can't accept exists?

Does he hate me? Staring at me with those big brown eyes of his. We lock eye contact, and pull away, not being able to bear the guilt the two of us unnecessarily feel.

"I'm home!" MY Dad's voice made Calum instantly move off the bed and towards my door. I didn't stop him. Why didn't I stop him? He moved past me and opened the door, not even turning to me, as I sat staring at the empty space he once occupied. I heard the door closing and with a quick twist I find myself curled up in a ball at the very centre of the bed. By myself. This is where I usually was. This is where I was when things didn't go my way. When all my positivity ran out. 'Tomorrow is going to be different, everything I see will be different. How do I know if I'm changing?' Thoughts invaded my head like flies, buzzing and shitting everywhere.

Honestly, I've had enough being serious.

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Short, but this is where it's gonna begin. Sorry for the slow start =3