Deranged // Taekook

Chapter Thirty: EXTRA

⚠️ TW: child abuse, neglect, attempt suicide, murder in slight detail

This might be a hard read for some, I honestly thought about not publishing it lol
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Seokjin wasn't one to reminisce. He hated his memories, he hated his mind. And therefore, he tried to never keep tokens from his past. His childhood and teen years are nothing but pain. Plus, it's not like being an adult was any easier; he kept all his trauma pushed in the back of his mind, he doesn't need or want to constantly remember the pain.

But there's one token he keeps despite the pain it used to cause him. He keeps it hidden in his drawer in his office: a hospital band. Too small to even fit around two of his fingers. It used to fill his chest with sorrow.

Sometimes, like now, he found himself twisting the plastic band around his fingers, being careful not to tear it more than it already was due to time. Despite the memories it brought back, Seokjin couldn't push himself to throw it away. And his refusal and inability to do so only angered him.

Seokjin hated feeling things like this. He just hated being alive.

Being alive is so hard; constantly waking up with two things on his mind: who will die today and where can he get his next high?

Being alive meant feeling things. Seokjin hated feeling anything. He just wanted to be numb. He didn't even want to feel himself. He hated it. Numbness was the only thing he craved. He wanted to feel so far away that even his own body began to feel as though it weren't part of him.

Seokjin always functioned better when there was something in his system. He loved Lithium — commonly used for those who suffered with bipolar disorder. The way it numbed all his emotions and made him feel almost zombie-like. Then there were days where he needed more energy so he tended to abuse meth as well. He's no rookie in this sport, he's tried many other things to make himself feel numb, to give him energy, to take him to a different world, to help him sleep. Just anything that wouldn't allow him to focus on himself.

In a way, being a mafia leader made Seokjin incredibly lucky. As one of the leading Kims, his job was more on the war/fighting side of things. While Namjoon stayed in the background, calling shots and making sure things are going as planned, Seokjin is on the frontlines getting blood on his hands, soaked in his clothes, and splattered on his face. He loved it. He enjoyed the darker aspects of the mafia whereas his counterpart enjoyed the strategic, clean, monetary side. His role and the tasks that came with it required him to constantly be on his feet, to go nights without sleeping, and to be merciless. And Seokjin did that with ease.

Probably the most hardest part of being in a mafia is the target recruits: children. But Seokjin had not one caring bone in his body. He saw children just the way he saw anyone else: an asset or a liability. Most of the time, they're assets. Children soak things up like a sponge and can be moulded into whatever you want them to be. It just took time, dedication, and apathy.

Seokjin would know as he himself was the more stubborn kind of the child. The one that took more time to break. But when he did, it was easy sailing afterwards. He was born a psychopath; he loved to kill animals in various ways: with his hands, rocks, guns, knives.

Taehyung and Jimin enjoyed bringing up Seokjin's childhood. They especially liked bringing up his deceased father. It's not like Seokjin misses his dad nor does he take to heart the jabs they make involving his childhood. He understood Taehyung and Jimin had a rough childhood just as the rest of the Crowned Members and they all had their ways of dealing with it.