My Leading Man | Timothée Chalamet

chapter twenty

I laid in bed and stared at my ceiling.

I was feeling very conflicted. On the one hand, I felt very full and happy after the incredible evening with Timothée, but on the other, I felt like I had betrayed Sydney.

I thought back to when we were slow dancing on the deck with the other two couples, and how we - at least, I - felt so desperate to be touching him.

Why?!

I thought of how the man asked Timothée if we were on our honeymoon, and how it surely must have looked like that. It was just the two of us, and we were practically holding onto each other for dear life.

And then I realized something: Timothée and I just had chemistry. I've found some people in this life, you just have chemistry with. Like that boy in the eighth grade, Rob: I never liked him, but we got along well and I always thought I could like him if I chose to. And that was how this was with Tim. Sure, I could let myself like him, because we may fit together well, but you don't have to date, or even like everyone you have chemistry with. And I especially could not like him, someone my best friend was currently dating.

I turned my head to the window and peered at the moon shining through the slats in my blinds. I figured this was the right first step. I accepted that, yes, Timothée and I had chemistry, but now I knew what it was, and I could ignore it.

I sighed contentedly. Everything was going to be okay.

-

My alarm went off, and I started getting dressed in a simple t-shirt when I heard my phone vibrate on my bedside table. I walked over to it and my eyes widened at the sight. My lock screen was filled with texts about the crew breakfast this morning.

That breakfast.

I had forgotten all about it.

At the time it seemed like a smart idea; fun, even, but now it just sounded like a death trap. I'd be facing Timothée, most likely having to talk with him.

My heart was way too fragile for this!

Last night I took comfort in the fact that I wouldn't have to be spending any one-on-one time with him for a while, which would help give me time to solidify my resolve to ignore Timothée's and my chemistry, and continue on as friends, never letting something like last night happen again.

Argggghgh. Why did everything have to be so hard?! I was genuinely trying to make the right choice, be a good friend, and smother any arising feelings with Timothée. But no, now I had this to deal with.

Whatever. I could go to a stupid breakfast. I would just be sure to sit far away from him, talk with other people, yeah. My rapid heartbeat slowed. This would be fine! I didn't have to talk to him, or even look at him the entire time! And me, him, and Syd can stay friends, harmless as ever.

Perfect.

I arrived at Ava's place feeling like a new woman. I had decided to make this as easy as possible for Timothée and for me, by making myself look incredibly undesirable, or so I hoped. I wore an old tank top that had a little stain on it from when a baby spat up on me during babysitting, plus these oversized, very unflattering pants. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, something I'd always believed to be my best feature, to try and hide it, and wore no makeup.

I was very content with my little ensemble.

I walked up to Ava's front door and knocked. I had to arrive early, because I offered to help her make pancakes before, and she opened her door in a whoosh with flour on her cheek.