Lovesick - Nikolai and Fyodor AU fanfic

Chapter VIII

Nikolai stared at the stars. There were many of them, maybe because he was pretty far away from the city. He really didn't want to know all of the shit that was gonna happen.

If anything at their old school changed, if the police were going to change something in their perfect life. Maybe Nikolai was selfish not wanting to deal with his own problems. Problems he created.

But this was too stressful for a kid. He ran away with his friends to escape his life, ending up running away from the ones that saved him from what he was running from. He stared at his own hands. Those hands that took people's lives.

Chuuya didn't deserve to die, and neither did Ranpo.

Was he regretting what he did?

But they tried to take his place in Fyodor's life.

But they didn't take anything in reality.

Nikolai was just jealous.

He was jealous in the same way he was jealous when he found out Sigma's parents weren't dead, the same way he was jealous when Fyodor excelled in everything while he didn't.

The same way he's jealous when his love kills people. Fyodor doesn't feel regret, he doesn't feel bad, he's not upset about it.

Nikolai kills because it's fun.

That was the truth, and he knew it from the start. But he denied it because isn't it supposed to be disturbing?

"Fuck."

He whispered, throwing on the sand the cigarette he was smoking. Nikolai looked over the sea.

Maybe all he wanted was a silly love story fulfilled with romance and silly things. And murder.

He wished all of this never happened. Or that Sigma would have stopped him from the start. That's also something he should start think about.

Sigma called himself sane. Then why didn't he force him to stay in the mental hospital? Why didn't he stop Nikolai when he got obsessed with Fyodor?

He wanted to hate Sigma at that moment. But he couldn't. He was like this and Nikolai chose to be his friend, he couldn't walk away from him.

A terribly terryfing murder, the cleanest murder of all times and three kids escaped from that city.

People were one hundred percent going to think that they did all of that, and it's sad cause they did. But sometimes, like right now, Nikolai wondered if they blamed it on Dazai. Maybe they thought it was a passion murder or something like that.

Or maybe he was just overthinking so bad that his thoughts didn't make sense anymore.

He continued walking, looking at the sky and sometimes at the sea. It looked scary, but he wanted to jump in it.

"It's cold."

He hugged his coat. That coat has always been there, it saw it all. Poor coat, he must've been tired.

Nikolai was also tired. He wanted to sleep, but he wanted to sleep in a bed. He would have gone to a hotel if he had money. Instead, he opted for an old friend's house.

Actually the two weren't really close, but Fyodor knew Ivan well.

"It's just tonight. It's just tonight."

Nikolai started walking to Ivan's apartment and was thinking about what he was supposed to say, he knew that Ivan's and Fyodor's relationship was pretty toxic, as theirs is, but that's not the point, the point was that he couldn't say he had a fight with him. Maybe it would have made Ivan upset.