Lovesick - Nikolai and Fyodor AU fanfic

Chapter VII

Dear diary.

I think Fyodor doesn't like me that much anymore.

It's been two weeks since I've been in this hospital. The doctors told me to start writing a diary to get out my emotions, they got mad when they found out I didn't. I think. So here I am.

My name is Nikolaj Gogol. I am 14 years old and almost half. I don't think I'm a good person, but I have a few friends that like me, I don't really understand why but it's ok like this.

One of them is Sigma. He's my best friend<3, after the accident he felt so bad about not being able to save me, poor of him. I wish I didn't get lost.

Sigma keeps his hair dyed half violet and half white, many people told him that it looks weird on him but I think he looks cool. The clothes he wears sometimes look a bit feminine, sometimes I wonder if he lied to me about his gender. Maybe he is there. But that's not my story to tell.

I also have other friends, but I can't really call them friends, they're more people that I know.

In these circle of people there are Dazai, Chuuya, Ranpo, and a few other students. They are fine, but the kind of person I'd try to be friend with.

Then there's Fyodor. Fyodor Dostoveskji, the most important member in the chess club. (That's also where I met ranpo by the way).

He's hot.

Fyodor has long purple hair that used to be kept into a little ponytail, even if now he doesn't anymore and I'm upset about it cause he looked cute, he's almost as tall as me and he wears glasses. Yeah, I get why he took the ponytail down tbh. He looked like a nerd.

By the way, he's the one who saved me from the accident. Fyodor always knows what I'm doing, where I am and how I'm feeling. It feels peaceful to have a person to always count on, even if lately he stopped visiting me. It hurts. I thought we were friends.

But I know why.

I'll never tell Sigma about it but I'm sure the reason why Fyodor knew so much about the accident, where I was and what happened to me is because he was part of it. He also knows that I know, maybe he's avoiding me so I don't ask him anything about it.

I am in love with Fyodor Dostoveskji. I do not care if he drugged me and hurt me. I'll love him no matter what. It sounds sick, but It's because I'm lovesick. So I guess it's ok if what I say about him sounds sick.

Dear diary.

Today Sigma visited me. He tried not to cry, I felt pity for him. But there's nothing I can do now about it, I just hope he doesn't get too stressed about all this shit. We played a few games and he teached me how to do bookmarks with paper clips because here in the hospital I read a lot. Next week I should get out of here though, even if I don't really wanna be back at my "parents" house. I don't want to smell death again.

This is also something I'd love to focus more about. I never got clear explanations about my parents death, about why the police never got me a new family or this kind of thing.

I can smell "Ranpo" in this honestly, but It's better not bring up these themes with him so I wont. I miss Fyodor, but the thought that I'm gonna see him at school haunts me. What if he doesnt love me?

Fyodor, please don't leave me :(

Dear diary.

Today I came back home. I found out that Fyodor did a test to pass school before other people and passed it, so I won't see him at school. Dazai's dad got me out of the hospital by calling himself my legal guardian. None ever goes against what Mori Ougai says so none complained, and I think that's good because how was I going to explain to them that my parents are dead and I do not have a legal guardian?