sick | billie eilish

ch. 34

Jordan

Warm.

Warmth and vanilla. Those were the only things my still half-asleep brain could register. After a few moments of forcing my eyes to open, I took in the familiar four walls of my room. I heard a heartbeat, soon realizing Billie was under me, my head on her chest as teal blue hairs tickled my face. A smile was tugging at my lips before I knew it. I lifted my head to look up at her. Billie's face was relaxed with her head fallen to one side, eyebrows scrunching together every so often. She looked so beautiful. She had to be a fallen god or something.

She wore a tank top and some shorts to sleep, exposing her pale skin to me. Without thinking and pretty much out of habit I leaned down to press a kiss on her collarbone. The smell of lavender and vanilla hit my nose. She always smelled so good. After my lips met her skin I felt her squirm under me.

"Stop, Jay, I'm ticklish." She murmured in a cute sleepy voice as she moved around a bit, stopping to drift back into unconsciousness. My lips curled up and my head went back to her chest. The sun wasn't up yet, the room was still dark. So that means I still have at least a few hours left to enjoy this. Sighing, I wrapped my arms tighter around Billie and adjusted my head, sneaking another kiss on her soft skin despite her telling me not to. It's not like she'll know, anyway.

My head went back to her chest, no point in owning pillows when I have Billie here. A tame heartbeat started echoing in my ears again. Another content sigh sounded throughout my room. That was until my stupid brain started thinking back on what happened, again. I don't like it but I do it anyway.

It's like telling someone not to think of a white elephant, it's basically impossible.

If it wasn't the gut wrenching guilt of letting her get taken in the first place, it was what I saw when I walked back into that basement, when I saw what Billie did.

I remember my legs rushing down the basement steps, the smell of metal and blood was overpowering. It made my stomach hurt. I left to grab the first aid kit I kept for emergencies and when I returned I saw Billie standing up. Even after I told her not to move because I didn't know the extent of her injuries, of course she doesn't listen, per usual. I wanted to ask her what she was doing but I noticed something was off. The room was eerily quiet, it felt like all of the air was sucked out the room. She stood over the old guy I hit with the brick. I didn't know if I killed him or not. I didn't care if he was alive, my main concern was Billie. If we left and left him bleeding out all alone, I'd be okay with that.

Every single thought I was in the middle of came to a sudden halt when I watched Billie lift her leg and bring it down harshly, her sneaker splitting his head open with a sound I've found myself hearing at random times throughout the day. It sounded like someone smashed a watermelon with a sledgehammer. The sight made my stomach drop and made my mouth go dry, anything I could say was taken from me. There was so much blood, her shoes were soaked in it. There goes the smell of metal again. His exposed skull made me want to gag.

I'm not a squeamish person, I just wasn't expecting to see someone's brain be stomped out of their fucking head, okay?

After the wet cracked echoed off the cold walls, the next sound to be heard was the familiar huff of a laugh Billie always does. She.. laughed. The sound made a quick flash of panic pang through me. The scene was horrific. Maybe after what he did, she did it to finally stop him permanently. Yeah, that's why she did it.

I still don't know why he decided to kidnap her in the middle of a grocery store, I still don't know why they were talking to each other in that same grocery store weeks prior. Maybe I'm too freaked the fuck out to ask. But the same thought kept itself on a torturous loop in my brain.

I watched Billie kill a man.

But maybe she didn't. Maybe I killed him with the brick so all she did was kick his corpse. The realization of how fucked that thought was made itself known. But I'd rather kill the sick fuck before I'd let Billie do it.

The detectives who were on Billie's case just shrugged it off, calling it self defense because Billie said he grabbed her leg and to get him off of her she kicked him. While she was giving the statement I stood in the corner of her hospital room, eyeing her intently. I listened to every word she said while still being able to see him lying flat on the ground, the back of his head bleeding from the brick. The detectives looked down at her with sympathy and pity, writing down certain things she said. They ended up just closing the case because both of the perpetrators were dead, they didn't have anyone to arrest so they just dropped it.

I looked up quickly, being startled out of my thoughts by Billie moving under me, stretching her limbs before falling back asleep. After she was done I put my head back to it's comfortable place. Even though I'm in a very comfortable position, I am very uncomfortable. I feel like I know too much yet too little. Maybe I should just drop it. It's done and did, it's not like I could change what happened.

"What are you thinking so hard about?" I looked up to see Billie peering down at me, a soft smile gracing her lips. I smiled back and pressed yet another kiss to her skin, "Don't worry about it." I laid my head back down and felt her fingers start playing with my hair. "Are you okay?" The silence in my room was interrupted by her voice and the concerned question. "Mhm." I mumbled, not really wanting to talk anymore. She picked up on it and squirmed under me before just lying still.

We stayed like that for a while, just sitting and enjoying the other's presence. It felt like the world melted away. Along with those overwhelming thoughts. My brain wasn't filled with concerning questions, it was just filled with, Billie.

I felt myself thinking more and more until I fell asleep. I didn't even try to fight it. I didn't want to.

This was easier.

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cute lil update before shit goes left :)