Devil's Pawn (Completed)

36.

I had held my head down the entire walk to the car. It was the walk of shame. I was so embarrassed and humiliated that I said those things to her. Her face mirrored the exact image that I had envisioned my life for the last three years. I never wanted revenge or to be spiteful. I just wanted to please her. That was not pleasing her. That was hurt. It didn't feel good at all. And the look that Chloe gave me made me feel all the more worse. But nothing made me feel as bad as I did when I caught River's disappointment showing in his eyes.

"Joe," I turned to face him frowning. Before he could even speak I started.

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have seen or heard that. It was horrible. I'm horrible." I admitted feeling myself drown in shame.

"Don't apologize for that." He said firmly. I felt my face twist in confusion.

"But she's my mother and I completely disrespected her."

"It was bound to happen." He reasoned grabbing my hands in his. "You're not awful. You snapped. I do it all the time. It doesn't make you horrible." He pressed his soft lips to my own and made me swell.

"But you looked at me like you were so disappointed..."

"That look wasn't for you, baby girl." He rested his forehead against my own and sighed. We sat there for a second staring at each other just enjoying the proximity of each other until my stomach growled animalisticly.

"Well I figured when the worried sudsided the hunger would strike." He teased pinching my cheek. As he laughed his breath tickled my face causing me to grin as well.

He kissed my forehead before he sat up to start the car. "Where shall we eat my queen?" He asked in a posh accent.

"Your place. I'll cook." I offered. He pulled back and looked at me in shock.

"You can cook?"

"Your sudden shock offends me!" I snickered. "I thought I was Miss Perfection. Miss Perfection should be able to cook right?"

"Right you are," he agreed starting the car.

I'll never get to describe the feelings of warmth that spread through out me when we go to River's house. The scenery on our way there is amazing- getting more colorful and warm with every mile, enticing you to continue until finally, you reach the beautiful house.

"I'm starting to believe he built this for you." River said raising an eyebrow at me as I drooled over it.

"I wish!" I gushed. "This house just screams to me. Ya know?"

"Nope." He said bluntly. "It screams pretend."

"Its a matter of perception. I come from a beautifully cold home full of neglect and abuse. But your home, it's full of people who care for you." He opened his mouth to argue.

"Justin would want you to take advantage of the love you have here." I saw his face twist in anger and I knew I had pissed him off but I continued to push.

"His mother died. He never felt the love of a mother and his dad despised him so he never got to enjoy his company...my mom hates me."

His face softened but I shook off his pity. "I'd kill to have your mom. I'm sure she drowns herself in the guilt about what happened to Justin. You can read it through her eyes. That's why she tries so much, she knows she hurt you and she lost your love and trust and respect but at least she tries to get it back."

"I feel like I'm betraying him by loving her." He admitted.

"She messed up. Immensely. But she didn't kill Justin, River. His father did. You didn't kill Justin. His dad has to live with that feeling for the rest of his life." I knew Justin was a soft spot for River but it was also the reason his mom and him had such a horrible relationship.

I know I didn't know Justin, but I wish I did. I wish I could feel the pain River felt instead of him. It pained him everyday to his core and he hid it well in front of everyone else who was oblivious but to me, I saw a scared little boy hanging on to a ghost.

"You have to forgive your mom. And accept her...because if you don't and one day you look up and realize her time is running short..."

"I don't want to deal with this now." He pleaded looking me into the eyes. "Can I just forget this feeling for a second? It hurts every second that he's not here."

"I didn't mean to"-

He cut me off with his finger. He grabbed my arms and turned me toward the front door. He opened it and pushed me inside in such an aggressive yet careful manner. I heard the door close and he grabbed my hand leading me to the kitchen.

"Can I just....can we just have a moment?"

"A moment?" I repeated.

"Of weakness?" He asked me looking vulnerable. I frowned as I watched him to see what he meant. He stood in front of me and let his hands softly trail to my waist before picking me up and setting me on the kitchen island.

"I need you." He mumbled into the crook of my neck making me gasp. He began to pepper soft kisses on my collar bone sending my mind to the clouds.

"The only time I'm not hurting is when I'm with you." He whispered like his words were fragile and would break if He spoke in a monotone.

"You make the pieces of my heart whole again by just laughing." He sucked on my neck and I let out a gasp.

"Your laugh is almost as great as your kiss." He moved to my chin.

"River," I started pulling away.

"Dont talk." He ordered. "This is my moment."

He kissed my lips. "When he left, I felt my world crashing inside of me. My heart literally broke. My best friend, the one I laughed and played with, I told my secrets to, I trusted...was taken from me." He explained trailing his soft finger down my neck in an erotic tense.

"Do you know how bad that fucked me up Jolie?" His voice cracked as he threaded his free hand through my hair. He pulled me to his mouth drinking me in. He was pouring himself into me and I was explained everything he couldn't speak.

His need to be in control.
His panic.
His nightmares.
His fear

He pulled away and looked into my eyes. "You scare me Jolie."

"How?" I whispered holding his head in my hand.

"Because I love you. And I trust you. And I laugh with you. And we play together. And...what if I cant protect you? What if I fail you like I failed Justin?" He asked childlike.

"That won't happen." I swore.

"How do you know?" He asked like he was a child about Riley's age.

"I don't know. But I have faith. We both have demons that took over our lives but this time is ours now. We have to make it positive. We can't hide behind fear anymore."

"You're the only positive thing in my life right now."

"Thats not true." I shook my head running my finger over his lips.

"It is." He argued stubbornly.

"You have a family who cares enough about you to actually try and find a good side of you rather than ship you off to some group home where you're raped and abused for months on end. You have a little brother who idolizes you and loves you unconditionally. You have a mother who shows her love for you daily and you've had an amazing best friend who you grew up with and you have an amazing future ahead of you."

"Joe"-

"And I envy that of you. You're so strong. You hide behind that playnoy imagine but you're the purest person I know. And I love you so much that I hurts to imagine life without knowing you because I was so'-

"Shh." He cooed grabbing my wrists as he pulled himself into me.

"Broken." I finished as a son erupted from me.

"I was too Joey."

"And you fixed me."  I said smiling up at him.

"And you loved me when I didn't even love myself. You showed me another way and for that I'll always be in your debt."

And with he kissed me with everything inside. I felt loved and adored and wanted and needed and most off respected.