Devil's Pawn (Completed)

35.

The flight back was nothing like the flight there. It was awkward and nerve wrecking. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't even know what happened but I couldn't help but guilty and responsible. Guilty because while he was hurting and contemplating death, I was losing myself to a guy. I was changing. I used to be at my siblings hands and feet and now here I was...away completely oblivious to their struggles. Who was I?

River had been trying to start conversation with me. He knew he could instantly change my mood from worried to calm just by speaking. So I ignored him. I had to worry. Why did I deserve happiness when Charlie was suffering because of something? Something I didn't know about.

Something that could have killed him.

"You're blaming yourself." He didn't ask. He was telling me. I didn't respond. Instead I looked down at my newly manicured hands on my lap and bit my lip wondering how soon this plane would land. How soon I could see my brother?
"It's not your fault." He tried grabbing my hand. I slowly snatched it away.

"Then why does it feel like it?" I bit back finally facing him. He looked solemn. The pain in his eyes reflected the pain in my head, heart and abdomen. He was worried as well. But I think his worry was directed toward me.

"Because you love him. It's our instinct to blame ourselves when we feel we weren't there for someone we love."

"Like Justin?" I asked softly feeling my resentment deteriorate.

"Exactly. I blamed myself....forever since then. Its hard to not lash out at yourself and everyone else."

"To think you're a fuck up?" I asked feeling my emotions return.

He nodded with a sad smile. "But you're not." He said tracing softly over my cheek with his thumb.

"How do you know?"

"Because I know you. I know Charlie. I know you love him and you'd never want him to be anything less than perfect. This isn't your fault. You aren't capable of this. This has nothing to do with you. It wasn't your fight to lose."

I found myself falling toward him as I placed a kiss on his lips.

"He will be fine. They're gonna pump his stomach and he'll be fine."

"He'll survive. I don't know if he'll ever be okay." I admitted sadly. He didn't respond, and out of the window, went my reassurance.

When the j finally landed we immediately skated to River's car that was waiting for us.

"He's at Beaumont." He said starting onto the highway. This trip had a horrible end. I was looking at the landscape trying to calm myself. It was just so hard. I needed to see him. I needed to know he was okay. Until then I was gonna be a wreck of nerves.

"Here." River said turning the car off and rushing to my side but I was already out and storming toward the hospital building.

"Charles Mitchell." I said to receptionist.

She handed me a sticker and a guest bracelet. "He's stable and taking visitors." Those words calmed me immensely. I felt a huge smile spread across my face.

"Thank you." I nodded rushing to his room.

I opened the door and stalked straight toward him feeling everything start to pour.

"Joe"- I cut him off with a huge hug.

"Why would you try and kill yourself?" I sobbed into his chest. "I almost had a heart attack just thinking"-

"What are you talking about?" Charlie asked pulling me back to face him.

"I had alcohol poisoning." He explained pointing to the vomit bin as he smiled sheepishly.

"But she said..." I sat up and looked around suddenly feeling silly. I looked at my mother and scowled.

"You lying bitch!" I swore. Her face was shocked and she looked taken back.

"Joe it's okay." I pushed away from River's warm hand and stalked toward her.

"Why would you say he overdosed? I know why, because you knew I was having a good time! You go out of your way to ruin everything for me!"

"Joe. She's still your mother"-

"I hate you!" I whispered feeling a weight fly off of my chest.

"Looking at you makes me sick." I continued looking into her frosty blue eyes. "You have a heart of coal and that's why you'll never be happy. Nothing will ever be good enough and as soon as you find happiness in the form of love it will leave you, just like everyone in this room. You will die alone because that's what you deserve. You shouldn't call yourself a woman, let alone a mother. I wish you'd just disappear already."

"Jolie!" I turned to face River's disappointed face. "Thats enough Joey." He said reaching his hand out to me. I turned to face my mom who was looking anywhere but at me.

"I just...I'm-"

"Please. Just go." Chloe stepped up wrapping her arms around her.

The guilt I felt in the car was nothing compared to this.