Teenage Dirtbag (Eddie Munson x OC)

Fourth of July

Jacqueline,

Joyce had asked me to do this "heart to heart" speech for El so we could "establish boundaries" about her and Mike. I was practicing the speech she wrote me when I realized that it didn't seem right, and started writing my own. And I know I don't have any "boundaries" to establish with you, but it seemed fitting that I write to you.

Your mom and I had always wanted a kid. So when we found out she was pregnant with you, I was ecstatic. I had been through all this shit in Nam, and I got to come home and have a dream life within a few years. That life started with you. You were my first born child. I was nervous. You were so small and I guess a part of me was worried I might break you. Then a few months passed, and then a year, and I guess you became a little less fragile- even though I would never know it. You would fall down and immediately jump back up like it was nothing. But I was still scared of you getting hurt. I still am.

Then Sarah came along and she was similar to you. Both of you were so resilient, so tough. Both of you were perfect.

But then your sister got sick. I know that was hard on you. It's not lost on me that most nine year olds don't spend nearly everyday in a hospital visiting someone. You never complained. All of our focus shifted to Sarah for those months and you never complained. You should've complained. You were nine. You should've been outraged and scared and confused but you weren't. You were patient, and we should've acknowledged that more. I remember for nights after she died, I'd lay awake at night and pray nothing would happen to you. I don't pray, but I did. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to you too.

After that, your mom and I started fighting. And I know that wasn't easy either. I know it wasn't fun to sit in your room and hear it all. And then your mom got custody, and I moved back to Hawkins. I tried to see you, I really did, and she wouldn't let you visit anymore than every few months. Letting you go was like feeling my entire life collapse again. Not being able to see or hear from you except during phone calls is a feeling I don't think you'll be able to fully understand unless you have a kid someday.

Then one day, you called me from some unknown number and asked me to come pick you up. I was, at first, angry that you ran away from your mom, and scared that you were out in the middle of nowhere on a Peter Pan bus. Then you told me how your new life was treating you, and then I got really angry. I came to get you from some bus stop a few hours outside of Hawkins and getting to see you again, it started to feel like my life had a little more meaning. I guess, in a way, I started to feel whole again.

I got to watch you grow up again. I was able to see you start high school and go through all your first and last days. I got to stand behind the bleachers and watch your cheer routines at the football game and I was there for all that senior night bullshit. Through all the boyfriends and breakups, and sitting on the couch watching Miami Vice in awkward silence, eating pineapple upside down cake. I was able to meet your friends: Wheeler, that boy with the hair, that girl from the ice cream shop, Jonathan. I watched you drop the ones that you decided on your own were not good people. You grew into a much better person than I ever was, or could be. You became strong on your own, you commanded respect, you light the room and make people laugh, you made me laugh genuinely for the first time in a very long time. I don't know who taught you to be so kind and accepting on your own, but it definitely wasn't me or Diane, so that leaves one other person. Watching you grow into the person you are today is the greatest happiness I'll ever experience. Hearing the way people speak out you- your friends, the guys at the station and Flo, Joyce, teachers- I couldn't be prouder of you.

To say that the last few years were hard would be an understatement. I tried to protect you from all this shit going on in Hawkins, but you threw yourself straight into it. You always say that you just want to help. You were scared, but did it anyway because it meant that you had a chance to do the right thing. You're loyal to a fault but I can't be angry at that. Then El came into our lives and you instantly began the big sister I always knew you were gonna be. You are with that girl through thick and thin, all the ups and downs- and there are a lot of them.

Life in Hawkins has taken a toll on you. I know this. It's taken a lot out of me too. I guess I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry I can't protect you from all of it as much as I'd like to. But what I really want you to know is that I don't want any of it to ever ruin your spirit. People like you are far and few between. There's no use in saving everyone if you aren't able to save yourself on the way.

You're getting older now. Soon you'll be off to Purdue and I'll have to help set up your room with you and have to meet whatever freak you were randomly assigned to be roommates with. And then I'll have to drive away and go back home without you, and I guess I'm scared of being back to square one. That feeling of the world caving in when I realize I won't see you everyday again. And I'm worried that you won't call or that something may happen while I'm not around. But deep down, I know that if you're able to kill monsters at 17, you'll be able to tackle college at 19.

Thinking about you and El lately, I think I just want to turn back the clock and go back to the days where you were still small enough to be carried in from the car when you'd fall asleep on long drives, or when you'd ask me to read another book before bed. But whenever it is that you decide to leave, know that I'm not gonna stop you. Life is a journey, and if we're lucky, it's a long one. What I realize now is that a lot of it, you're going to have to experience alone. Going out into the world is scary and shocking, but good can come out of it if you let it come to you. Let new people in and kick old ones out. Make mistakes, fall down, try again later and learn from it. We can't control all aspects of life, even though I know you try to. But if you let go of some of that control and allow yourself to learn from it, all that magic you already have will grow, I promise.

I know, now, that you're getting older, growing up and you're not that child that I sometimes wish I could go back to. But you're always gonna be my kid.

Thanks for being such a great kid, kid. Thanks for giving me meaning again.

I love you.

- Dad

(P.S. I know I don't say that enough)