Hualian AU ~ 11. Flashback 2/Out of XianLe

Part 1

Xie Lian saw himself back at the attic repurposed as his remixing/broadcasting studio at his parents'. After his first breakdown, he left The Heavens, going back home to do nothing in particular, and had what he later came to identify as a "working depression".

Every day he made breakfast, went for a walk, tidied up and did laundry. He studied a lot during this time too: history, civil rights movements, religion and mythology, anything that tickled his fancy. As an artist, he knew there were times of "input", when his creativity was hibernating and needed to be fed with cultural references.

He still remixed and rhymed, hoping those 99% of transpiration would bring the 1% of his inspiration back, but the results were predictable and dull. That's why it was called "working depression": even though he still did things, he felt dead inside, doing whatever, just for the sake of it.

It was as if that outburst dried him out of his feelings. Searching deep inside himself, he could find only shame: shame of being down so low that even a kid could see through him, and trigger that reaction; worse, being that kid's reason to live. He wasn't his own reason to live, how could he be someone else's?

His parents didn't say anything, probably thinking it was some late teenage crisis, or maybe a heartbreak? These things could happen. Xie Lian's always been a good kid, he always knew what he was doing. His mum felt something was off, but she was never pushy; she just made sure he knew his parents would be there for him.

After six months, he decided it was enough, and decided to go back to The Heavens, doing half the merits he was supposed to. Besides not feeling confident, he couldn't go back to the house at Mount Taicang: after he left, Mu Qing went to some exchange program, while Feng Xin lived who knows where but, for what Xie Lian heard, was dating someone.

Jun Wu helped him with that, assigning him to the merits he could do remotely, having classes once or twice a week, so he could remain in XianLe. Deep inside he felt relieved: for the moment he really needed to focus on work, and he wasn't sure about his emotional state yet.

During all this time, Hong Hong-er messaged him almost every day, except on weekends. And always in the afternoon; Xie Lian got annoyed and avoided interacting with him, but couldn't help imagining he had a shitty life, as he said – the only good thing was going to the school library to use its computers and follow Xie Lian around. And even care about him.

Whenever Xie Lian posted some snippet or mix – no full songs anymore – he always liked and commented; Xie Lian knew in his heart that, before, he wouldn't even post that kind of stuff, but Hong Hong-er seemed to enjoy them, his words sounding sincere. Was it because he was young, and idolized Xie Lian in a way? Maybe.

Judging by his posts, he was indeed young, but knowledgeable, as if he's been educating himself in music styles, hip hop and rhyming. Xie Lian could see some innate talent there, not at all unlike himself when he was a kid. If he idolized Xie Lian, it wasn't a blind faith, but an educated choice. Xie Lian couldn't help but feel flattered.

WhiteNoFace returned too. Xie Lian decided to face him head on, but that wasn't a good idea. He wasn't feeling confident about his work and his life, and to make matters worse, he was alone, having pushed his friends away when the bullying had started. Anger and bitterness took over his life, making him not a fun person to be around.

WhiteNoFace knew he was down, and kicked where it hurt the most. On Xie Lian's posts, if an element felt so-so, it was precisely what WhiteNoFace criticised. Whatever was lacking, WhiteNoFace would be quick to point that out, in the rudest and most pissing off ways. It was as if he knew all the insecurities Xie Lian shared with his mentor, Jun Wu.

One day he just couldn't take it anymore. It was, as far as he remembers, the last interaction he had with Hong Hong-er, and the only one in real time ever. He posted some beats he was experimenting with for school, on a Monday, just to get it trashed down by WhiteNoFace, being particularly bitchy. In the afternoon he heard from Hong Hong-er, but it was too late.

This time he replied, "Just forget me, I'm such a shit artist".

"You're the best ever".

Xie Lian felt a tightness in his chest and short of breath, and knew he was about to have another breakdown. He kept looking at his screen, the next messages appearing getting blurrier and blurrier on his eyes, burning, filling with warm tears.

"No way I'd forget you".

"It doesn't matter what, you're the best".

"I'm forever your #1 fan".

Xie Lian was crying so hard his whole body was shaking. He couldn't take it, he just couldn't; WhiteNoFace making him feel like shit, then this kid treating him as a god – only, he couldn't even compete. Xie Lian was lost, and realised he had no escape. There was only one thing he could do.

"Forget me", he typed back. He was doing this kid a favour.

"I WON'T".

He ignored it, went to Settings, chose Delete Account and clicked on it. YouTube asked if he was sure he wanted to delete his account, with all its contents. He clicked on Confirm.

Finally we're back to this Hualian AU series! I hope you missed it... 😉

I missed it too, but I HAD to write a fic for Hua Cheng's birthday right? I'm sure you understand... 

Thanks for reading! If you liked it please vote, comment, follow me! 😃