Youth!

The Real You

"Ya know, you don't need to always be smoking and shit." She said. I rolled my eyes. "You my mom or something?" I said. "Maybe. That shit isn't doing anything good for you. You look like a junkie." I laughed. "Weed makes me a junkie? You need to get out more dude, go experience shit." She had a point though. I had some good highs, but a lot of the time I'd either feel physically sick or have some weird, negative thoughts and just feel like crap, but I liked the way it felt to be high so I smoked anyway. Maybe I was addicted. Anyways, speaking of experiencing shit, eventually we got into a chill ass game of truth or dare, and nothing too crazy was being said for the most part. Things were about to heat up though, when she asked me for my body count. Oof. I debated lying for a minute, but decided there was no point, there was nothing for me to prove. Why not just be honest. "The same number of times I've done coke." I said, casually. "What?" She asked, confused. The joke didn't land I guess. "I don't have any, bruh." I said bluntly. Claire did a complete double take, and laughed for a minute. "Okay, you can tell me the truth now. It's okay to have a past, everybody has a past. I won't judge." She said. After shaking my head, followed by a minute of awkward silence, she realized that I was serious, which is when she cupped her hands over her mouth to display her shock. "No way!" She gasped. You're seventeen and still a virgin?" She asked me. I raised an eyebrow. "Um.. Yes. Is there anything wrong with that?" I asked. Claire looked me up and down for a minute. "Not even that, but you're somewhat tall, dark skinned, with a deep voice and you're a virgin? How??" She continued. I was kinda getting annoyed at this point. "And what does that have to do with anything, Claire?" I asked. "I don't know, girls tend to be attracted to boys that look like you, and sex is something you're supposed to get out of the way young so you have more experience. You're missing out." She told me. I don't even think she realized how dumb this sounded, like in her mind this actually probably made a ton of sense. Yes I'm black, decent height, and in good shape... Okay??? "Not everyone is the same. Stop acting like me being a virgin is so weird cuz it really ain't. I'm only seventeen!" I told her. This girl was persistent as hell. "Well, what's holding you back? You waiting until marriage or something?" Claire asked, in a mocking tone. "No. Not really waiting for anything, I'm just chilling. " I answered. Suddenly, it seemed as if she was the one getting annoyed. "Well, what's in there anyway?" She said, feeling around on my shorts. "Cut it out." I told her. She paused for a second. "Let me do it." She said. "Do what?" I asked, trying to swat her hands away. "Let me grab it." she whispered.  What was wrong with this chick? "You gotta chill out with this shit. I'm gonna smack you!" Ironically, it seemed like she was the one getting angry. Claire scoffed. "You came to my house this late and don't want to do anything?" There was no point, you may as well have stayed home smoking weed, that's all you do everyday." She said. I was so confused about that last part. "Yeah, I just came because I was curious. Yeah, I smoke weed everyday, there's nothing wrong with that. I do it to relieve stress, you wouldn't fucking understand even though I've explained this to you." I answered.

This was the most frustrating thing ever. I just wanted to go home. I could feel the bugs eating me up, my stomach was growling, and I was just tired at this point. She took a minute, and it looked as if she was coming up with a reply in her head. "Oh I get it, you're probably small. That's it right?" She probed. I didn't answer, just rolled my eyes. "You're small, so that's why you've never done anything, you don't want to get embarrassed when any girl sees how little you are." Claire said, laughing. Damn, girls can really say some rude shit! It's only if you let it get in your head though. Most guys, in a heartbeat, would pull their shit out just to prove a girl wrong for talking crazy like that. That's what she wanted me to do. Reverse psychology and all that, it's an insecurity reaction thing. I wasn't going for it. "You can say whatever you want about my dick, I don't want to do this. Not happening." I said. At this point, she realized she couldn't force me to pull it out, and pretty much accepted defeat. "Yeah, whatever. You couldn't fuck me if you tried, you couldn't handle me." She said desperately, it was so obvious she was trying to boost her ego. I laughed. "Yeah okay, I like girls with bigger butts anyway." I said calmly. After that, it got quiet, and she looked kinda sad, because her being skinny is probably an insecurity for her, and I had basically told her I'm attracted to thicker girls. It was only because she was talking shit though that I said what I said, had to defend myself, what else was I supposed to do?  Looking back, I did this a lot during my teenage years, saying things out of anger or self-defense and feeling bad afterwards. I hated it every time. Especially because body-shaming is a big deal for people in general, not just girls, and even though I didn't really do that, I made her upset. A few minutes passed, and she decided to break the awkward silence, which was spent by me looking up at the stars and whistling. "I'm sorry. We don't have to do anything." She said, quietly. "Hey, don't be sappy on me, it's fine." I told her. "No, it's really not, I tried to grab it out of your pants, I don't know what's wrong with me,," She said, looking up at the night sky. "Yeah, that's what I asked myself too!" I laughed, jokingly. That probably made her feel worse because there was an even sadder look on her face. At that moment, I pulled her face in towards mine to talk to her firmly. "Look, it's okay. You're making this awkward for me, just go back to being your normal self!" I told her. A little smile creeped up from her guilt, and she gave me a look of evaluation. "You're different. I like that." She said. "How so?" I asked. "Well, you straight up came to a girl's house this late just to chill without expecting anything, who else do you know does that?" She asked. I shrugged. "Guy's are disgusting, so desperate and shit. I wonder how someone even gets to be like that." I said. "I'm not waiting until marriage, I just see you as a friend and I don't want to mess that up." I explained. At that moment, she gave me a tight hug. "No guy has ever seen me that way I feel like. It's always friends until they feel comfortable enough to want to do stuff with me, I can't remember the last time I had a genuine friend who's a guy." She said, looking me in the eyes and holding my hand. "Don't change, okay? You're a good kid, stay like that." She told me, with the most serious look she ever had. "Okay Claire, I will." I giggled, feeling like a little boy now. That was okay though, I had spent so much time trying to act different because Claire was older than me, when in reality the best way to get comfortable with someone was to just be yourself. Since middle school, I wanted a girl who I could interact normally with, but at the same time be immature and be babied by. I always wanted a girl I could call my "mommy" and it was my little secret, I thought it was weird.  We both chilled and stared up at the stars for a minute, it was a great vibe. I could hear crickets and the creek flowing near her home, I felt mosquitoes eating me up but it was all good. Even though things were tense a moment ago, it felt good to hear Claire appreciate our friendship. "Whoever you date, they're gonna be lucky." She said with a warm smile on her face. "I don't know.. I feel girls aren't into guys like me who want to treat them good, they'll get bored from me being too loving." I explained, "They don't want a nerd like me, they want a tough guy who plays with guns and shit like that." I said. Claire laughed and shook her head. "Not true. A lot of girls are into that tough guy type but I just look for someone who is good to me." "And it's not like you're soft." She added. "You stood up for me at the beach with your words, not even needing to fight, and saved me from drowning. Any girl with sense would dig how amazing you are." She said. It made me feel really good to hear. "I can see you being protective, but not too too controlling. You're the perfect balance!" She said. If my skin wasn't so dark, I would've been blushing for certain. "Hey, same with you! You'll find a guy you're compatible with when you go to Washington, I'm sure of it!" I assured her. She looked down. "Eh, I need to do a lot of work on myself before I'm ready for that. Maybe some squats so my butt can get bigger too." She winked. I  felt bad again for saying that. "Hey hey hey I'm a dumbass, I didn't mean that....Not everyones perfect! Look at how fucked up my eyebrows are!" I told her, pointing to the mess above my eyes. "Shut up, there's nothing wrong with them. They're unique, don't let anyone tell you they aren't nice." She said, brushing them softly with her fingers. It tickled, so I started laughing and squirming. "Stop, it feels funny!" I told her. Never would've expected to hear that my eyebrows were 'nice' in a million years from anybody, because I spent a good amount of my life having people make comments about how they looked.  Even though she might've been lying to make me feel better, it worked. Growing up I had a lot of insecurities, and never had anybody to ever make my imperfections feel more normal. Well it looked like things were changing. Little did I know, it was my self-esteem that was getting better, which really makes the difference in how you view yourself. You can have a thousand people telling you you're beautiful, if you yourself aren't happy with what you see in the mirror the only person who can impact that is you. Not only did hearing people help my confidence, working out, eating good, developing a sense of style and grooming myself well contributed towards a better self image. That's growing up for you I guess! We laid in the tent cracking jokes and talking about life as I laid in her arms. It wasn't sexual, or romantic, it just felt nice to be held and it made me feel safe. Right before falling asleep though, Claire told me she had something to open up to me about. Though I told her I was all ears, it took her a while, and it was clearly difficult for her to get off her chest. I wondered what she had to say that could be so difficult to get out? Was she depressed? Worried about her move? Sad to leave the town behind? All these possibilities ran through my head as my heart pounded, waiting for her to tell me. "I'm really sorry for trying to make you want to have sex with me because..." She paused. "A long time ago, something similar happened to me" My heart sank. Tears dripped down from her eyes, she wasn't bawling but slowly, softly letting the tears out. In a state of shock, I was stunned, not even knowing what to say. "Who?" was the first question I asked. Before starting again, Claire took a deep breath. "This guy I was with in 10th grade. He was the first guy I really fell for." She said. "All my life, guys had never really showed me much attention, until he came along. He was in college." She continued. I've heard this before. Girls are often into older guys, probably because they're more attractive and mature, but this older 'prince charming'  is actually a wolf in sheep's clothing. Even if she did want it, a college student with a 15 year old? It's just fucked, you can't defend that. "He would drink occasionally, and one time he came over, drunk." She said. "He wasn't acting like his normal self. He asked me, for the first time, to ____ She said. "I wanted to eventually, but not at that time. There was a bad feeling I had about it, I was nervous, I was scared." She admitted. "When I declined, at first he said that it was okay, but he kept asking and asking, he was being so persistent. This wasn't him. Whenever I wasn't in the mood to do anything, he'd never persist. I continued to decline." She said. "He got angry..and... ya know...." She implied the rest, sparing me of the details. She was so strong to not shed any tears during the story, though I was on the borderline of doing so. It hurt me so badly to hear that this had happened to her. Anger built up inside of me, it killed me to hear this. "What's wrong?" She asked, clearly seeing how frustrated I was. "I wish I was there! If I was, I woulda whooped his ass!" I said, clenching my fists tight and grinding my teeth. My sharp nails dug into my palms, to the point where they where bruised. Claire smiled, and laughed. Reaching out with her arms, she pulled me in close and gave me a kiss on the forehead. This was like a mother's kiss to a child, not like one lover to another. "You're so cute. I know you would've beat his ass, but there's nothing you can do about it, I just have to deal with it." She told me. Which made sense, you always get mad at things that happened in the past knowing damn well you can't change it, just as you get disturbed at the thought of someone you love doing things in the past with other people, it disturbs you to hear of a friend's past activities she had no intention of. That's life for you. Phrases like could've, should've, and would've take control of the brain and lead it down a spiral of overthinking. "I know, but I still should've been there!" It bugs me that I wasn't! You didn't deserve that! I'd kill him! I said, trying to process what I just heard. Claire turned my head, and whispered in my ear. "Shhhh, it's okay. I've accepted it and learned to focus on what's ahead. Thank you, though." She said. "Thank you for being my friend, Marcus." She told me. There was that warm and tingly feeling back again, I felt good. Through this conversation, what I realized about Claire is that she put her trust too often in dudes that only wanted her for her body, not her personality and spirit, which were the same two reasons why I liked her and wanted to talk to her all the time. After this incident she described, she probably gave up on a real relationship and was just fine settling for hook ups and casual links with guys. Being in a long-distance relationship is one thing; being in a relationship with someone who you never actually met in real life is something completely different, and it may have been a symbol for her fear in facing a serious committed relationship. After all, y'all don't know what's really going on once you get off the phone with each other, right? I guess that's her life though, she's the one who has to ask herself these things.

We lay silent for some time. "Hey....Claire...." It was then that I heard snoring, realizing she was already asleep. I kissed her on the cheek and lay back in her arms, going to sleep shortly after.

    My eyelids opened up at around 8, so I got up to get ready to leave. Claire and I said our goodbyes, and as I was walking out of the cul-de-sac she called me, one last time.

    "MARCUS!!!"

    "YEAH?"

    "Don't be a stranger, okay??"

    "Not a chance we'll keep in touch!!" I answered with a smile, and waved goodbye.

    With that, I hopped on my skateboard and went towards the train station, which was only a fee of $3 from Lakewood to Valley stream, flying with excitement with the morning breeze blowing across my face. An old man driving a truck saw me on my way, and he looked impressed seeing this young ass looking kid on a skateboard so early in the morning, he waved with a smile. I returned with a salute, happy as ever, and made my way on the train. After a 15 minute journey, I arrived in Valley Stream and went to the deli. I picked up my sandwich and when I got home, slid into my room like I never left. I took off everything and sat in my bed for a minute. Absolutely exhausted, from the horrific high to staying up all night to the commutes to and from Lakewood I was just exhausted. I knew I would miss Claire, and suddenly I got sad, thought about the memories we shared, the conversations, even the awkward moments and arguments, everything. Tears started flowing as my head hit the pillow, and that's when all the fatigue hit at once and I knocked out.