𝓁𝒾𝓋𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝒹𝑒𝒶𝒹 𝑔𝒾𝓇𝓁 -- braindeadwhores

005

content warnings: drug use, mentions of blood.

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Rowan awoke the same way she did the previous morning, with a nightmare and a piercing headache. It was her reliving the night Ellis died, but instead of Ellis dying, she dreamt of her brother taking Ellis's place. She was now silently crying as she sat on the floor of the shed, trying her hardest not to wake Eddie up.

Rowan considered the nightmares the worst part of grieving. They always felt real, no matter how her brain switched up the nightmare, the fear she felt was real. It would leave her sick, and she couldn't get it off her mind no matter what. The only she could temporarily stop recalling the events of her nightmares was when she was high.

In her mind, the drugs helped erase all the bad. The nightmares, the overwhelming feeling of loss, her guilt, the lack of emotion- it helped with all of that.

She sifted through her bag, pulling her cocaine out. She only had a small amount left, only guaranteeing her two more highs before she would have to find more. Which would be a difficult task seeing as her newest dealer was hiding from the cops. She put it back into her bag, deciding to wait before she used it. She needed to save as much as she could, so she instead grabbed her cigarettes and her lighter.

She smoked the cigarette as her tears slowly came to a stop, admiring the scenery and the quiet. She turned around to check to make sure Eddie was still sleeping, when she saw he was still drooling, she pressed the but of the cigarette to her wrist next to the other scars.

Her eyes watered at the pain but her mouth twitched into a pained smile. She was broken. She knew that, and she couldn't change that. The things that should hurt her are the things she can't live without. She threw the now burned-up cigarette to the floor, as she fiddled with the sleeves of her jacket. She tossed her lighter into the air as she waited for Eddie to wake.

After an hour of peace, Eddie rolled over in the boat with a groan. A thud was heard, followed by a raspy "ow." Rowan turned around to see Eddie holding his head, "Morning, Princess." Rowan greeted with a sarcastic smile. "I hit my head." He stated with his eyes closed, Rowan nodded her head despite knowing Eddie couldn't see her.

"I can see that."

Eddie grumbled cuss words as he stood from the boat, "Is that cigarette smoke I smell?" Rowan nodded at him, "Got any left?" She wordlessly handed him the pack and her lighter.

They now sat side by side in silence as they both watched the smoke fill the room. "Are you okay, Rowan?" She laughed at his words, "Are you?"

Eddie stared ahead as he took another drag from the cigarette, "I'm talking about last night." Oh. Of course. "Look, I know we don't know each other well, but you shouldn't be harming yourself. The addiction and the burning, it's not gonna help you."

She sighed. She didn't know why he cared, it felt like the same situation with Luke. She could take care of herself. She had been hiding the self-harm and drugs for months from everyone closest to her, and her fake persona seemed to be believable. But, of course, the guy she barely knew for two days now knew she was more fucked up than anyone really could tell.

"Why do you do it?" The question caused her to freeze. "Just, if you can explain to me why, I'll keep my mouth shut. Or you don't have to, either way works fine." Eddie was timid as spoke.

"It- I-" She exhaled heavily, snatching the cigarette from Eddie before she hit it and gave it back to him. "I lost someone close to me. She died because of me, and ever since then, I haven't felt okay. At all. She was the only good thing about this shitty world, so when she left it, this was the only thing I had. The self-harm and the drugs never left me. I- I think need it to feel alive." She took a deep breath, her eyes began watering again.