Taste of silence

Escaping

I sit on the bed and looked at the walls, my aunt asked me what I have, what I have? , nothing, he made sure I have nothing, I am nothing, I do not feel anything, I do not want anything, I do not know anything, I monologue inside me but I did not speak to her at all, he comes in and says that I am saddened cause of my brother's health problems, he took care of that too, I did not answered, and my aunt began to comfort me,he was looking at me like he wanted to kill me, i told her what he demanded me to tell her,that i got period and sheets were in blood, she hugged me and told me is all ok,nothing was ok,I couldn't bear to hear her even more to bear her touching me, I cried and locked myself in the bathroom.
I heard them arguing and him pretending that he loved me so much and did not want my aunt and anyone else to upset me, how ironic.

I do not want this love, I hate it, I do not want anyone, I want to leave, I want it all to end I can not stand, I say this for three whole years, three years full of darkness, three years full of pain, fear, anger, blood and tears . For three years we kept going back to the hospital, for three years I watched the little one suffer, undergo surgery, hurt, cry, for three years we was going back to that wretched house and I had to pretend that everything was fine both at home and at school, how unworthy I am, so stupid, so cowardly , so pathetic, why I don't speak, I was always hiding in silence. Why? This is all I can think of all these years, nothing else, as if nothing else matters, I have no pictures, all have been erased, the only pictures I have are with him, crying and shouting and him laughing and enjoying. Him living and me getting lost in the darkness.

I can no longer stand this, the weeks and the months pass and I am at a standstill, there to fight alone with my demons, with him with "his love" and "everything he offers me", there in hell and to burn , there. From the day my aunt left for Greece this does not stop,he hired a woman to take care of my brothes so that he can kill me without any other thoughts in his sick head, every day,I do not want this love, I do not want it to exist, I want to leave,i want to die,i want to fly away.

The hours passed and it was night again, the night founds me locked in this cursed room again, like a prison, it is a prison, what have I done and I went to prison? He came and opened the door and gave me food, I did not eat it, he came again and took it back to the kitchen, and he brought me grapes, I did not touch them, he brought wine and asked me to drink it, this time I did not drink it, I threw it in floor, he was very angry but he was happy at the same time "do you want to be awake eh? I know you like it very much and even if you do not say it I know you like it my baby, you like it very much, I will show you how good time we will have if you are awake, I will make you scream, I will tear you "he told me and took me by the throat I cried and pushed him and I fell to the floor, I took the bottle and drinked,so pathetic, so cowardly, so stupid, I could not stand it anymore, I have no other power to fight, I can not move, shout, speak, live like this, I can not.

The morning finds me again looking at that cursed window and dreaming that I will fly and leave. He opens the door and tells me that today we are going to the other city alone, two hours drive and that he has to do some work in the land registry and that he will be late and so I will go with him,and that we will have fun, I did not want, I refused, he took me by the hair and he was shouting at me, he pulled me by the hand and threw me in the car, he gave me to drink that wine again, I spat it out, he hit me and forced me to drink it, I drank it, he usually drugged me so that I would not fight, so that I would not see , not speak, the more the years passed the more I was in pain the more I understood the more I shouted and reacted, I was dizzy and fainted in the car,i do not rememberlot of what happenedin the car, the time passed when I woke up I saw him and he was writing some papers in the car, I was so dizzy, I didn't knew where I was and what I was doing, he understood it, he told me to wait for him in the car and he will come back in two minutes, he forgot his window was open, I saw it, I pretended not to notice it and I turned to the side and lay down again, he thought I slept again and left.