seven [j.m.k]

VI

"Oh come on!" Jake was playfully yelling from my kitchen table.

Everyone was over at my house for dinner, and Danny and I decided we would be doing the cooking. Me and Danny had become good friends over the past few months. He's really sweet, and such a good guy for Carrie.

I always catch them sweetly staring and smiling at each other, passing quick glances that mean more than they appear.

And over these past few months I've realized that I've envied the connection they share. Watching them get dressed up in matching halloween costumes, exchange the sweetest christmas presents, and listening to Carrie gush about the way he kissed her on new years has made the envy of that kind of relationship set in. One where that romantic love was reciprocated.

Danny was sautéing some vegetables as I worked on grilling the chicken, flipping it over and over to constantly check on it.

At the table, the Kiszkas and Carrie were playing a highly intense game of cards against humanity. Who knew that game could be intense, but with their competitive nature it was bound to.

I looked over there with an amused smile, turning my head back after Josh caught my eye and smiled back. I tried to fight the way my cheeks blushed, and Danny looked over at me with a smirk.

Danny was incredibly attentive, and it was clear by the way he lightly nudged my elbow as he went to grab some seasoning.

He had been the perfect person to confide in, other than Josh. I told Danny the things I couldn't tell Josh. And while yes, it should be able to tell Carrie, she's a blabber mouth. I love her so much, but the girl cannot keep a secret for the life of her. But Danny can.

I've been telling Danny the confusing things I've been feeling towards Josh, and how lately hes been feeling like more than my best friend. My best friend would not have me giggling and kicking my feet everytime he looked at me a certain way.

I looked over to see Danny beginning to whisper something to me.

"You guys are adorable." He discreetly whispered, and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Nope." I denied, flipping one of the chicken strips back over.

I did feel something (and I don't know what) towards Josh, but I felt guilty about it. Although Eli and I have hardly spoken since new years, and now he's only here one night a week, there's a still a pang of guilt in my chest every time I think of Josh in any way that isn't platonic.

I feel silly everytime the feeling hits me, because I know Eli is messing around with whoever he wants while he's gone. I've brought it up to him before, when I was doing laundry and there were a pair of panties that definitely were not mine in his suitcase. But that was met with accusations of me snooping and him trying to make me think they were mine.

The past few months I think I've been able to resist his toxicity, recognizing his behavior as something that is not love. I know what it feels like to be loved now, platonic or not, and I know that what he does is not love.

This whole revelation came from a conversation with Danny, when he pointed out how I looked far happier when I was secure in knowing that Eli was away from home. I found myself feeling the same relieving way I did when my dad would leave for however long he would, then the sinking feeling I felt whenever he came back.

I had that feeling of relief now, cooking for my friends who I could hear giggling in the back, love radiating off of every one of them. I wanted to grab at the feeling, and store it in a jar to keep on my shelf. I would open it and dip my hand in every time I needed it.