seven [j.m.k]

IX

"Let me make you a cup of tea when we get there, you seem upset." Josh continued to press as we walked up to my apartment door.

"I'm not. I just wanna go to bed." I simply said, letting out a breath.

"You're lying." Josh suspiciously said as I turned the key.

"So what? Just let me go to bed." I caught my own tone, biting my tounge.

"No, Im not letting you fall asleep upset. You'll have bad dreams. Will you tell me what's the matter?" Josh grabbed my hand as I stepped in.

"No, it doesn't matter."

"If you're upset baby, I wanna know so I can help." Josh looked at me in the eye, his brown ones staring into my soul as the name sizzled on my skin.

"Don't call me that."

"What? Baby? I'm sorry, I thought you liked when I called you that." He was sincere, and I could read the worry in his eyes.

"Not when you don't mean it." I shook my head, and I could easily feel his grip on my hand loosen.

"Oh."

I tried to turn away, but he stopped me yet again.

"Are you upset because I kissed you? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable or cross any of your boundaries." His anxious eyes looked into mine, and guilt rattled my bones.

"It's not that you kissed me. I was over the moon that you kissed me. But you acted like it was nothing afterwards. Like I hadn't been waiting for you to do that for months."

"I'm so-"

"I don't get it. Am I your best friend or am I more? Spit it out, Josh." My voice was stern, but I didn't feel guilty. "I'm so in the dark about all of this. You say one thing, but your hands say another. I cant comprehend that we're just friends, but somehow all over each other. It doesn't make sense. Friends don't act like this."

He didn't say anything, only softly inhaled.

"You're so loving, and I love that about you. But it feels like a lie. I don't want to have to pretend to just be friends, so I need to know. What's going on? Are we friends? Are we more? Please, I just need an answer."

Josh bit the inside of his cheek.

"Am I your best friend, of am I more?"

Nothing. Only a small breath and furrowed brows.

"Cool. Good to know." I slammed the door and locked it behind me. Back against the door I slid down, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs.

I took a deep breath as my watery eyes finally dripped, spilling down my cheeks.

I was supposed to be excited about a kiss, and for the first few moments afterwards I was.

Until that word, the same one constantly nagging at my brain, floated graciously into my ears.

Bestfriend

If the word was on a piece of paper, I would burn it. Maybe I would tear it to shreds. Maybe I would crumple it into a ball and throw it off of the roof. Maybe I'd cross it out, and write something else over top of it.

But it wasn't a piece of paper, it was my own thoughts. I took the trophy and the certificate with prints I was given and threw them in front of me.

I watched as the base of the little golden man came off, the cheap plastic being seperated.

My mind travelled to my friends, and the fun they must be having. Josh would be on his way to Carrie's right now, putting the small argument behind him. They'd rejoice with glasses of red wine and scattered cigarettes.