Dear Diary...

Chapter 12

Ahhh Christmas eve. The smell of gingerbread in the air mixed with the fresh smell of pine from the Christmas tree. Only thing that could make this better would be a sheet of white snow on the ground outside rather than just sunny at a solid 50 degrees. My family has always celebrated on Christmas eve rather than Christmas day. My grandparents always come over with my aunt Leslie and uncle Donald, we chat about things that happened when they were kids even though we have heard the story every time they come see us, me and Levi sneak off on a "Walk" to smoke weed, we have dinner, open presents, and then we pretend to go to bed even though we sneak out eventually to meet with friends. Typically I go see Lux and sneak back into my window before morning.

I walk down stairs to see my mother running around the kitchen already starting on cooking the ham while my father sits in his wheel chair, petting the cat, trying to keep sane from all the chaos that will eventually happen tonight. My grandparents and my dad don't get along a lot of the time. My grandparents think that my mom was too good for him. If they had it their way, he wouldn't be here.

"Morning daddy." I say hugging my father from behind kissing him on the cheek.

"Morning angel, how did you sleep?" he asks with a warm red tint to his cheeks under his white beard. My dad reminds my of Santa. There is just such a warmth to him that brings so much light into my heart.

"I slept well thank you." I smile and slowly start to back up down the hallway before my mom yells at me for breathing and not cleaning. She becomes stressed when ANYONE comes over. Levi doing the things he does adds to that stress.

I successfully make it back toward my room unseen and begin to get ready for the day to come.

   After my hot shower turned into to a long, warm, candle lit bubble bath, I began to curl my bleach blonde hair. Ringlet after ringlet falls down my back before I top it off with hair spray.

   I decide to do a winged black eyeliner and ruby red lips coating my long eyelashes with black mascara. Looking in the mirror I run my eyes along every inch of my face and hair until I'm satisfied with how I look.

   Standing, I walk over to my bag on the ground next to my old bed. I dig through it until I find a red Victoria secret thong with sparkly straps and the bombshell push-up bra to match and slip them on. I then pick out a nice red v-neck sweater with lace lining and a pair of simple black jeans and my black converse to match.

   I view myself in the mirror once more making sure I am satisfied, before walking out of my room to see what else my mom might need help with.

   I see Levi sitting on the couch dressed in his usual black hoodie and blue jeans. I can see he is sober when he looks up at me and gives me a small smile and then returns looking back down at his phone.

   I begin to set the table before I hear the dreadful ring of the doorbell. Levi and I immediately stiffen knowing what is to come but quickly bring a smile to our resting bitch faces.

   "Hello!! Merry Christmas everyone!" I hear my aunt say followed by hugs and greetings from everyone.

   "Oh my baby girl you look so grown." My grandmother says and gives me a large warming hug.

   "Hi grandma merry Christmas." I say with a smile. My grandma is a very kind and selfless woman. She has always given me and Levi the world no matter what. Though she may think a certain way about my father she has never punished her grandkids for it.

   I back away with a kind smile and begin to grab presents and place them under the Christmas tree before following the rest of the family to the dinner table.

   "So Ashton." I hear my uncle begin. "How is UCLA? How are your classes?" He asks. Everyone's eyes turn to me.

   "They are really good. I'm enjoying English the most." I say trying to keep the conversation short.

   Everyone begins chatting amongst themselves once again. I take a deep breath feeling the relief of attention not being on me any longer.

   I hear a chime of a phone and look up to see It was Levi's. A look comes across his face of anger before he mumbles. "I'm sorry I have to be excused. I'll be back in a little while. Merry Christmas." And stands before quickly grabbing his bag and walking out the front door.

   Anxiety floods over me. Every time he walks out that door I never know if it is going to be the last time I see him. It sounds so dramatic but it's true.

  A scoff is heard that brings me back into reality and that's when I realize everyone has been dead silent. "Can't even have one nice dinner before he leaves to go hang out and do god knows what with those hood rats." My uncle says shaking his head in disgust.

   I look at my mother to see she is trying to think of what to say that could change the topic. My father rolls his eyes and heads into the kitchen trying to hold his tongue.

   Soon my anxiety floods away and I am taken over by anger. I'm done holding my tongue. I am done trying to save face for so called "family" that don't even remember my birthday is on their wedding anniversary.

   I stand up from my seat seeing nothing but red. "He is doing the best he can. But with a family as fucked up as this one who could blame him for wanting a release? You do nothing but come into this home and judge us. You could have offered to help or even try to maybe understand what he is going through but instead you judge him!" I blurt out feeling only rage.

   I look around to see nothing but stunned and appalled faces. "Angel please..." my grandmother begins to try to calm me down.

   "No grandma! I'm sorry but I can't keep pretending to give a flying fuck about what others think of my family. Family is supposed to love unconditionally but I have a feeling that if I were to die tomorrow my mother would receive nothing but a solid "sorry for your loss" hallmark card from a god damn gas station." I pause to take a breath. My mother grabs my hand trying to get me to sit.

   "I'm sorry. Merry Christmas but I'm not doing this anymore." I say and quickly kiss my grandmother and mother on the cheek and head toward the kitchen.

   "I love you daddy. I'm going out to get some air but I'll see you tomorrow morning." I say and give a quick kiss to his cheek before walking out the front door.

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