A bunch of horrible people

We truly belong to each other

(Tw: self harm kind of, cutting, homophobic slurs)

Showering was nice. I gently touched Alex's body through the wet fabric and put my head on his shoulder. He slowly rubbed my back. The water was ice cold but I loved it. I loved feeling the warmth of Alex. He is my source of warmth. Alex sighed.
"What's wrong?" I ask and pull away. His face is so pale. His glasses were full of water so he rubbed them but it didn't really help.
"Ethan is it bad that I really loved it when you stalked me and were obsessed with me?"
"Well yeah- it's not normal." I said.
"Who chooses what's normal and what isn't ?"
"The majority of people." I answered and kinda smiled.
"I guess so. Well is it bad I want you to be obsessed with me? Or if I want you to have eyes for no one but me?"
"Alex I only like you."
"You know that's not true."
Did I still have feelings for Mary. I wonder if I do. Probably not.
"It is though. I chose you, didn't I?" I pressed my lips against his lips. My lips are so dry compared to his lips. His lips are so soft and always taste like strawberry for some reason. I held Alex's face and closed my eyes while kissing him. He closed his eyes as well.
We kissed in the cold shower like two lovers in a rainy summer night in a romance movie. We kissed like we actually love each other but we both know it's a lie. We both knew that these short moments of normal affection don't last but neither of us seemed to really mind or care. We needed each other like a junkie needs drugs. Although I needed both. Drugs and Alex.
Our kiss ended and I looked at him. Alex was weirdly looking sad. Did he think about the same thing I did? Was he as incapable of loving as I am?
"Are you okay Alex?" I asked.
"Yeah I am." He answered and took off his sweater.
"Stay here for a moment. He got out of the shower and left a trail of water drops on the floor while he left. He came back with a box cutter and gave me a pleading look.
"I know I'm basically killing you so I want it to be fair and I want you to hurt me." He handed me the knife.
Since he took off the hoodie he was left in his black shirt. His arms were visible. He faced the wall and had his back turned to me. I looked over his shoulder and grabbed his arm. I pressed the blade into his wrist before slowly gliding it to the side to leave a cut. The blood poured into the water. It looked beautiful like a painting. The way the water was mixing with the blood was fascinating. It didn't take me long before I made another cut on his arm. He pressed himself against my chest.
"Ethan that feels so good." He said.
"What?" God Alex is more fucked up than me.
He's a fucking masochist.
I should've figured that out by now.
I stopped cutting Alex and made him turn around after putting away the cutter. I brought Alex's wrist up and gently kissed it. Usually I would cringe right now but weirdly enough this was so nice right now.
I really would love to know what was going on inside Alex's head right now. His arm was still bleeding which made me worry a little despite the fact I was pumped full of drugs right now.
"Let me take care of your arm so we can properly shower together."
I took care of Alex's arm and we eventually showered together. Alex took the liberty to get my clothes from my apartment while I was awkwardly standing naked in the bathroom. He came back with some clothes for me and I got dressed. It almost felt like we were a cute normal couple.
I mean we even laid in his bed and cuddled and watched tv. I played with his hair while he was cleaning glasses.
"Alex we could technically have a nice life together you know.." i said but felt fucking stupid. Did I really want him to love me?
"I'm aware." He said.
He felt so warm. I squeezed him tightly and breathed in his scent again.
"You smell so good right now Alex." I pulled the blanket over us and held him as close as I could.
Alex held me too. He seemed awfully tired.
"You can sleep."
"I don't want you to leave."
"I wont." I promised and we ended up sleeping together.

I woke up after 8 hours and felt Alex close to my body. He moved himself in my shirt so we were basically sharing one shirt. This was cute and all but my body was begging for drugs right now. I also realized I missed work and full of panic I get up and look for my phone but I can't find it anywhere. Alex soon stood behind me like some creep.
"Looking for something?"
"Yeah where's my phone- shit I can't lose my job again Alex! I can barely afford my apartment so how the fuck will I afford both drugs and my apartment!?"
"God Eth stop yelling." He smiled and kissed me. "Just live with me. Don't worry about drugs but you do need a job or something."
"Whatever. I want my own place." I walked towards the door and tried to get out but it was locked.
"Haha funny Alex fucking unlock it."
"Or what? You're gonna choke me~?" He teased.
"Shut the fuck up."
"Make me~"
"You fucking faggot!" I punched him straight in the face. Honestly I have no idea why I did it but he deserved it for what he just said.
Alex's nose was bleeding and he looked at me with some weird ass smile.
"You're such a psycho." He said.
"Alex just give me my phone and stuff and I'll leave."
"I dont want you to leave." It sounded intimidating but somehow in his voice I heard a desperate insecure tone. What kind of shit did he go through to be this fucked up?
"I'm just leaving to my apartment Alex." I reassured him.
"I know." He punched me without a warning.
"What the fuck." I pushed him and he fell. I quickly began kicking him and got on top of him to beat him up. Even though he was smaller he still was able to hit me really good.
He grabbed some knife off some counter and suddenly was able to get the upper hand. I saw tears forming in his eyes while he held the knife towards me.
"Ethan I will kill you if you leave me now. I don't know why I want you this bad but I do. I've never felt like this about anyone. I need you. I fucking need you Ethan. If you leave I will fucking die."
"You don't need me. You're just as incapable of love as I am!" I say in a weirdly very cheerful way.
"Maybe I am. What we have is so much more than love. What we have is better, no the best. We have something no one else has. We truly belong to each other."