Tired (Between a rock and a hard place 6)

Chapter 3

Jiang Cheng stormed off while still mumbling to himself before Jiang Yanli could ask him anything more. She was too baffled by his words and could not make any sense of them. So, she did not even try, it would have been a lost battle anyway. Instead, she decided that despite knowing her mother was currently in the process of punishing Wei Wuxian, she would still try to go see him. Perhaps she would be lucky.

As she was going to her brother's room, not too sure where else she would be able to meet him if she had not seen him with Jiang Cheng, this was her second best bet. Aside for searching the Ancestral Hall to see if he was made to kneel there. However, a sixth sense was telling Jiang Yanli that the current punishment would not be just kneeling down for a few hours, something in Jiang Cheng's behaviour had alarmed her greatly.

With tired steps, she finally reached the courtyard where Wei Wuxian's room was. She really did not want to deal with this right now. Could she never get a break from her duties of taking care of her brothers? Ever since she had started to do so at a young age, they expected her to continue no matter what. Jiang Yanli was fighting against feeling like her brothers were a burden to her but today, opposite to every other day, she could not quite manage to win.

Before she could cross the courtyard, she saw the door to Wei Wuxian's room opening. Instead of her brother, only her mother was coming out though. She looked extremely enraged and Zidian was sparkling around her finger. Jiang Yanli stopped and took a step back. When her mother looked like this, she was actually afraid of her and tried to clear out the camp before she would be spotted.

However, she also knew that seeing Zidian sparkling brightly anywhere near Wei Wuxian could mean only one thing: her mother had used the lightning whip to beat him.

Breath was caught in Jiang Yanli's throat. She hated these times, no matter how often she had witnessed them. She worried for Wei Wuxian's health.

She took another step back, quickly retreating behind a corner so her mother would not see her. Only in this way, unnoticed, she would be able to go to the infirmary and beg the healers there to give her some basic medical supplies. She never dared to actually bandage Wei Wuxian's wounds or do anything else that would be visible, too afraid that she would only call upon him even more pain as retribution. But she could at least clean the gashes and provide a little relief.

That was what she was intending to do this time as well. It was always on her to clean after her mother's rage and she hated it more and more every time it happened.

"A-Li, what are you doing here?" suddenly rang Yu Ziyuan's voice through the courtyard.

Today, it seemed like luck was not on Jiang Yanli's side. Her mother noticed her presence and now she would forbid her to go see Wei Wuxian, much less help him in any way. She knew this from experience and all she could do was to listen to her mother and hope that she would soon be released from whatever task she would be assigned by her to keep her occupied. That was the only way how to go to her brother's side.

She turned around, making sure she would be looking pleasantly surprised: "Mother, it is good to see you. How may I help you?"

"What are you doing here?" her mother pushed for a reply, her voice gaining a hint of suspicion. It was clear that she was convinced Jiang Yanli was here to go treat Wei Wuxian's wounds.

"I came to find you mother. I saw A-Cheng just now. I was surprised he had come from the Cloud Recesses this quickly." She was thinking at a lightning speed, trying to come up with a plausible enough lie to explain her presence this close to Wei Wuxian's quarters. They were not situated in any part of the Lotus Pier where Jiang Yanli could usually pass by leisurely. When she ventured around here, she only ever went to visit Wei Wuxian.

In the end, she decided to tell a half lie. Those were anyway better than outright pretending something, the truth could be hidden better and hopefully would not be discovered.

"I have been doing some embroidering, as you suggested, Mother. And, if it turned out well, I wanted to present it as a gift to my brother to congratulate him for attending the lectures. He had left for the Cloud Recesses so quickly I did not have time to finish it. I came looking for you now, I wanted to ask if you could maybe have a look at it and tell me what you think? It is nearly finished."

Jiang Yanli was counting on her mother being intrigued by her request for help. Especially with embroidery which she herself had recommended as suitable pass-time for a young lady which was soon to be married. Jiang Yanli positively hated it, but if it could help her to go see Wei Wuxian, she could listen to her mother criticize her work for a few minutes. It would be just another one of the long list of sacrifices she had made for her brothers throughout the years.

For a second, she was afraid her mother would see through her lie, but in the end, Yu Ziyuan nodded resolutely and agreed: "Alright, let us go get a look at what you managed to make."

The expected few minutes turned nearly into one hour long lecture about her being too slow, too distracted and too maladroit in her work. She had already known that her embroidery was nothing to be proud about, but when put like this, it hurt to hear it. And it the end, like always, her mother stormed away with a disgusted expression without ever praising her for her effort or actually giving her any advice about how to improve. Well, this was also the usual.

When she was finally left alone in her room, completely exhausted from the uncalled-for lecture, she found it hard to want to do anything at all. She did not have any energy left and what little determination she had managed to gather to go see Wei Wuxian, had long vanished, mercilessly killed by her mother's harsh words.

Jiang Yanli was aware that if she really wanted, she could still pick up medical supplies and go see her brother. The infirmary had an around the clock staffing, there was always at least one healer present to take care of any urgencies, even during the night. So it was not like she would not be able to go. But she was tired of everything, so very tired. She could not even gather herself enough to get up from the seat at low table where she had suffered in silence her mother's criticism.

Why was it always her who had to pick up all the broken pieces and laboriously and carefully put them together only to see them crumble again the next second? She was not even an adult and yet, she had been appointed by her family – whether they had done it consciously or not – to take care of everything involving the distorted relationships between the members.

Jiang Yanli was not sure anymore if she was up to the task, especially after basically being relieved of it for several months. Suddenly, having to step up again and take care of everyone felt like such a huge burden, one that was crushing her like a giant boulder and not letting her take even the slightest breath of fresh air. She was not even certain that she could bear it and would not break just like the other members of her family.

She folded her hands on the table and put her head onto them, hiding the tears which suddenly emerged from her eyes. She needed a little moment to herself. If she would crumble, if she would break, how was she supposed to help others? She would then need help herself and there would be no one to provide it. Perhaps for the first time in her life, she felt completely alone and helpless. And it terrified her to her very core.