Tired (Between a rock and a hard place 6)

Chapter 6

Jiang Yanli was immediately plunged into a full fletched panic when she saw Wei Wuxian cry. Her brother never shed tears in front of her. It was not that he did not cry at all, he did. Jiang Yanli had seen him with puffy red eyes and head heard him through closed doors more times than she would be able to count. However, she had never seen him actually crying in front of her, not like this.

She was used to her brother smiling his pains away when she was around him. Not that she liked seeing him pretend nothing was wrong, but she understood why he always did it. It was the same for her, she also wanted to spare him more hurt and worries and would never let him see her in discomfort. He already had enough on his plate as it was.

"A-Xian..." she whispered again. This time, she could not keep her pain completely out of her voice. She felt overwhelmed and out of her depths again. She was not ready for this right now.

Still, she had to at least try her best. She knew she would never forgive herself if she turned her back to Wei Wuxian now, in the time of his greatest need. Or at least it looked like the greatest need from where she was standing. Her brother had never let himself break down like this in front of her, something must have been seriously wrong.

"A-Xian," she tried again, willing her voice not to quiver and to sound more reassured, "everything is fine, I am here. Shijie is here." She reached out her free hand, the one which was not squeezing Wei Wuxian's and patted her brother's cheek gently but urgently.

She could not tell what it was that made Wei Wuxian's eyes focus slowly and then drift to her, it could have been her soothing or her touch, any of those or something else entirely. It mattered little in the end; Jiang Yanli was just glad that her brother was with her once again. She had been scared almost to death seeing him as unresponsive as he had been moments ago.

"Shi-jie..." whispered Wei Wuxian weakly and finally looked at her properly.

Jiang Yanli moved her hand from his cheek and started brushing away the tears which were still coming from his eyes.

"Welcome back, A-Xian, I am glad you are here with me now." She smiled at him, hiding her heartbreak at seeing him this vulnerable and raw.

For Wei Wuxian was clearly not alright. He did not even smile in an attempt at concealing his pain, and this in itself would be alarming. Put together with the pain and sadness in his eyes, it was as if he was creaming out all his hurt and pain. It seemed like he had truly reached the end of his rope and was not able to pretend he was fine any longer.

"Shijie," Wei Wuxian continued wetly and plaintively, "I do not know what to do anymore..."

Jiang Yanli waited if he would say anything more. She watched him cry his heart out, weep even albeit silently, and she really wanted to know what happened to him. She was not used to seeing her brother in this kind of state and she could not phantom what could have put him in it. This was something she had not bargained for, how was she supposed to deal with this? How come she should be the one to console her brother and take away all his pain? She no longer knew how to help herself, not even talking about others.

"Uncle Jiang... He said..." Wei Wuxian's words were coming out in broken sentences, interrupted by his gasps for breath and hiccupping. "Lan Zhan did not do anything bad... It was all me... always my fault... Shijie... they cannot blame him for anything... Lan Zhan is good... He would never... It was all me... they can punish me, but not him... Never, Lan Zhan..."

Jiang Yanli had no idea what Wei Wuxian was blabbering about. His speech was too incoherent to understand the meaning and she was missing the context. But she was sure of one thing, she knew her brother too well to not be able to tell: Wei Wuxian loved Lan Wangji and he was blaming himself for something the Second Jade was being accused of.

"Lan Zhan... It was not him... I have approached him first... He did nothing bad... He never even slept with me..."

Jiang Yanli could not listen to Wei Wuxian's heartbreak any longer. It was way too painful. She was crying herself and it was making her head hurt all that more. The feelings of powerlessness and being out of her depth were back, stronger than before. As was her exhaustion. She had seen her brother suffering way too many times. And during each one of those instances, all she could do was listen to his pain and then tell him to try to bear it as best as he could while she would be there to support him. She had been convinced that this was the best for her whole family.

Not anymore though.

Now that she was seeing how deep was the pain in Wei Wuxian's heart, she could no longer advise him to just ignore it and hide it behind a smile. It was too much for her as well. She was at a loss for what she should do and how she could protect her brother this time. She could not very well go and stand against her parents – and Wei Wuxian himself could neither even if he wanted to – in order to...

She did not even know what she should be asking them not to do. Moreover, she was sure that Wei Wuxian would be the one blamed for everything in the end if Lan Wangji was pronounced innocent.

All Jiang Yanli could do was divert her brother's attention away from the immediate hurt. She continued brushing his tears away and smiling at him. Soothing words that she did not even believe left her lips: "A-Xian, I am sure that this is just one big misunderstanding. Do not be worried, everything will turn out alright in the end. The great sects cannot go against each other in any aspect, there is nothing that our parents could do to accuse Lan Wangji and upset the Gusu Lan sect."

Her insincere reassurances only seemed to have made her brother cry all that harder: "But Uncle Jiang wants to... to accuse Lan Zhan of attacking me... He would never do something like that... You have to believe me, Shijie... Lan Zhan is innocent... Uncle Jiang wants to ask the Gusu Lan sect... for retribution of a sort... I cannot cause Lan Zhan to be punished... I am even supposed to testify against him..."

Suddenly, something broke inside Jiang Yanli. She was angry. Angry at her mother for being so harsh with Wei Wuxian that he would be bedridden like this and would be gasping for breath when even talking was making him feel the wounds on his back. Angry with her father for, who knew why, wanting to accuse Lan Wangji of treating Wei Wuxian badly. Angry at Jiang Cheng for not telling her anything and immediately blaming everything on his older brother. Angry at Wei Wuxian for not telling anything to her father and instead expecting that she would do something after he came crying to her.

She did her best to keep herself back. She could not explode right now, not in front of an already shaken younger brother. Instead, she swallowed down her anger and helplessness for not being able to do anything about this situation.

When she let go of her anger, nothing else was left. She was now feeling all drained and tired again. She alone could not make anything better. She alone could not stop every member of her family from acting irresponsibly and impulsively, and Wei Wuxian from always taking the burnt of it. She could not protect anyone and anything, her family was already broken beyond repair. Much like she herself now.