Tired (Between a rock and a hard place 6)

Chapter 4

Jiang Yanli opened her eyes and blinked several times. Her head hurt, as did her back and the rest of her body. It took her long minutes to realize that she was still sitting at the low table in her room, scrunched down with her face buried in her arms. She must have fallen asleep like that after she had started crying last night.

Jiang Yanli knew she should get up, changer herself and go around her day. Yes, she knew it rationally, but her body and mind refused to cooperate. All she could do was lay there, lifeless, with only her opened eyes signalling that she was even awake.

She had absolutely no idea why she felt this way. She had so many duties today, her daily ones and having to go take care of Wei Wuxian after his punishment. She was now feeling faintly guilty about not trying harder yesterday. Her brother had been, probably still was, in pain, and here she was, letting herself relax to catch a second breath.

At the same time though, her guilt and embarrassment were kind of out of her reach, as if there was a soft wall all around her heart and she could look out through it but nothing could come inside to bother her. It was both weird and soothing. She should have probably been alarmed by this development, however, even this feeling was currently escaping her. Even her thoughts seemed to be running away from her grasp, flying around as immaterial concepts instead of concreate ideas and actions.

Jiang Yanli felt so comfortable that her eyes closed back again. She was letting herself relax and enjoy the sun on her back which was warming her up and washing away the reality. Her worries disappeared, the thoughts about a suffering Wei Wuxia n blurred out of reach, and her own exhaustion was welcoming her into its grasp. She did not know when she fell asleep again.

The next time she woke up, or more like became aware of the world without actually being fully conscious yet, her mind was only slowly letting her regain control over it. Surprisingly enough, she must have slept for a while, as would also suggest the late afternoon sunlight. She did not feel so tired anymore, although the general exhaustion remained, muted and stuffed to the back of her mind.

Unlike the first time when she had only been staring off into space, now she could slowly move her body and make it obey her. In the beginning, it was difficult as if she had to fight against some invisible power, but it got better as she pushed through. It was clear that she had needed the rest, otherwise her body and mind would not have given up on her like this.

Now however, it was time to catch up on what she had missed. Namely, she still had the intention to go see her brother and take care of him. She should also probably stop by the kitchens to bring him something to eat. She was only well aware of the fact that whenever he had been confined to his room, either by being grounded as punishment or when he was recovering from his injuries, he would not call for a servant to bring him anything. Nor would he come out himself and chose to starve in order to protect himself from further fury from their mother.

This being said, Jiang Yanli finally started feeling like herself again. With a purpose in her mind, she luckily managed to regain control of her body soon. She decided she would not dig too deep and search for a reason of her sudden breakdown yesterday, for she could not name it otherwise but a breakdown. She must have cried herself to sleep which had not happened to her ever since she had been a small girl. Actually, now that she was thinking about it, ever since Wei Wuxian had come to live in the Lotus Pier and she had become his mother in all aspects but blood.

She felt that the burden on her shoulders had become somewhat lighter, not exactly disappearing, more like it had been shifted as she organized her thoughts and identified her priorities. When she did not have to think – did not allow herself to think – about her whole family at once, she was doing fine; as long as she took one step at a time and did not try to do everything at once the world became less overwhelming at last.

Although it was already well into the day, and into the afternoon too, she took time to sit down and meditate for half an hour. It was both to calm herself down and her usual exercise with which she hoped to build up further her feeble little golden core. Ever since she had managed to create it, she had not had much progress. But at least it was helping with her health and keeping her more or less on her feet when she would have usually broken under the weight of her responsibilities.

The first one was definitely a good one, the second one, she was not so sure anymore. She had used to think that she was grateful, after her breakdown however, she shifted her believe towards another possibility. It was not that her golden core had given her strength to keep on – then again, perhaps there was a little truth to this nevertheless – it was more that it had postponed the inevitable. And the later the breakdown came, the bigger it would be.

In the light of this realization, Jiang Yanli greatly wanted to just take it easy for the rest of the day. She wanted to continue her existence before her brothers had returned from the Cloud Recesses. She wished for her peace to come back.

She knew she could not do it though. Wei Wuxian needed her and she could not let him deal with everything alone. She was a big sister after all.

The meditation helped in sorting her thoughts and gathering her determination. When she stood up and patted away wrinkles from her robes, she was ready to go about the rest of her day. As such, she first headed to the kitchens to prepare her brother's favourite lotus root pork rib soup. As the soup simmered, she made a trip to the infirmary to pick up medical supplies and a calming balm for his wounds. There was no question in her mind about the state she would find Wei Wuxian in.

With the soup ready and the medical supplies safely tugged away from prying eyes inside the basket she was carrying, she took a steadying breath and headed to her brother's room. She had to be strong, like so many times before, she could not let Wei Wuxian worry about her on top of everything he was already going through.