Tired (Between a rock and a hard place 6)

Chapter 7

"A-Xian, oh A-Xian..." sobbed Jiang Yanli together with her brother.

She could not bear the pressure anymore and she let herself cave under it. Where she would normally try to reassure Wei Wuxian that everything would be alright, that of course their father would not go against the Gusu Lan sect and that her mother would not beat him anymore, she could now only cry together with him. The abyss in her chest was only growing as seconds and then minutes – or perhaps even hours? – passed. She was tired of all of this!

She leaned forward and touched her forehead to Wei Wuxian's in a silent gesture of companionship and soothing. That was all she could do right now. Offer the last piece of reassurance that she herself also craved. She was seeking physical contact, more than just holding hands, to calm herself down. If her brother was in good health, she would have hugged him and they could have cried together, but it was impossible now seeing how his back must have hurt if he had needed bandages.

After what seemed like an eternity and a whole ocean of tears, Wei Wuxian's body shifted under her and she could feel a hand gently caressing her hair. She leaned into the touch, letting herself be soothed. She should have probably felt ashamed that she was asking for support when Wei Wuxian needed it way more, but the empty hole in her chest and her tired mind could not process such complex thoughts right now.

She let her brother console her and did not feel guilty or worried – as for sure he was aggravating his injuries by moving around this much – about it at all. She was not able to at the moment. After who knew how long, Wei Wuxian's hand moved and he was now brushing away her tears instead of just caressing her hair. It felt good and she let herself relax under the soothing ministrations.

"Shijie, please, do not cry..." she suddenly heard Wei Wuxian begging. His voice was raw and cracked around the edges, it sounded as if it was really painful for him to see her break down like this. And she supposed it would scare him, she had never before let herself go like this.

She wanted to gather herself and smile in reassurance. She wanted to tell her brother that she was fine and that she had only cried because of seeing his injuries. She wanted to hide her own pain so she could be a proper support for her brother and be able to take on his pain for him.

However, she simply could not. She was tired and she could no longer act as she had used to. It was all way too much for her to bear and she herself needed someone who would gather her broken pieces and paste them together so she would become a more or less functional human being once again.

"A-Xian, I am sorry..." she started apologizing, finding it hard to come up with proper words to explain what she was feeling and exactly how sorry she felt. She could not help her brother anymore and she had to explain it to him. It would only hurt him more in the long run if he expected her to come to help him and she was not able to.

"I cannot do this anymore... I cannot protect you... I..." once she started talking, it was as if a dam had been broken and all her powerlessness and despair were now rushing out like a wild current, ready to sweep her feet under her and everything else in its wake.

"I am sorry what my parents and A-Cheng had been doing to you all these years. I am sorry I could only support you from the shadows and never provide as much help as you truly needed. I was, I am, not strong enough to be able to protect you. A-Xian, I am afraid you will never be able to find happiness if you stay in the Lotus Pier with us. I truly am sorry but I think it would be better for you to leave..."

With her last sentence, a whispered plea that she had only realized she had said after it was actually out of her mouth, she started weeping inconsolably again. She had not planned to say all of this to her brother if she could avoid it, she had always known it would hurt him and he would blame himself for making her feel bad. However, in this moment of exhaustion and despair, the words had just rushed from her heart without her consent and it was way too late to stop them.

She was worried that Wei Wuxian would misunderstand and feel even more hurt. Already, the rest of her family had never shown him much love, although she was sure that at least her father loved her brother in his own special way, just like Jiang Cheng. But those were more of suffocating feelings than true shows of affection, at least they must have been in Wei Wuxian's eyes. Now, even she was saying that she did not want him to live with them anymore. That must have shaken him and make him feel betrayed.

Jiang Yanli mobilized the rest of her forces; suddenly very much aware of how stiff Wei Wuxian had become. She unglued her forehead from his and looked at him properly.

Just as she had expected, her brother had a hurt sparkle in his eyes. However, it quickly disappeared, hidden by a gentle yet sad smile, when he noticed she was observing him. It was as if he had put on a mask from one second to another and was not going to take it down, perhaps never.

A pang of pain shot through Jiang Yanli's heart. She had hurt him, badly, and pushed him into hiding his feelings even from her. She was such a disappointment of an older sister!

"A-Xian, sorry, I should not have said that," she immediately tried to apologize. Her words tasted like ashes on her tongue, they had come way too late, when everything had already been burnt and she could no longer salvage the situation. "I love you, you know that. I care about you. I have been trying so hard to keep our family together, but it is only hurting everyone. So, I think that you should leave Lotus Pier behind."

A choked sob stopped her from saying anything more. She had no idea how she should explain that she was not in fact trying to chase her brother away in order to protect the rest of her family. She only wanted him to live a good life and not be subjected to the Yunmeng Jiang clan's whims any longer. Tears filled her eyes again at the realization that she had not said this aloud at all, more of the opposite really.

Nevertheless, her brother only continued smiling at her and it was him who was now brushing her tears from her cheeks. "Shijie, do not cry," he whispered and kissed her forehead. "I understand, there is nothing for you to feel sorry for. You have always been by my side whenever I needed to lean on someone. I am really grateful for that. You are the best Shijie in the whole world. You should not be apologizing to me, not over this. I want to see you happy, not sad and worried because of me."

Wei Wuxian kissed her forehead again and Jiang Yanli felt a burden being lifted from her shoulders. Even though she had not managed to say everything properly, her brother, her little Xian-Xian, had understood. He must have known all along that she loved him and that she would never let anything happen to him if it was in her power to stop it. If she could have stood up against her family, she would have done so for him.

Wei Wuxian looked at her again, his gaze all soft and soothing: "Shijie, I know you have done your best. It must have been hard on you. You should rest, I promise I will take care of everything. You do not need to worry anymore. I will make everything better."

Jiang Yanli let out a long sigh. If Wei Wuxian was saying that he would take care of everything, she would not stop him. She had tried her best and now it was time to rest. It was time she let go of her burden and tried to heal herself, if she was on the brink of breaking down – was currently breaking down – she would not be able to help anyone.

"Oh, A-Xian," she finally managed to give him a tired smile, "thank you, my sweet, sweet little brother."

"Of course, Shijie, just leave this to me," replied Wei Wuxian cheerfully.

Jiang Yanli was glad to see him being his old self again, energetic and bright. She knew everything would turn out alright in the end. She did not have to take care of everything on her own. She could let others be responsible for themselves, she did not have to be the only glue inside her family; Wei Wuxian would help her from now on.