Burn Out *18+*

Chapter 40

This was the agent life I expected. Hopping on a jet plane after arresting a man, maybe having a glass of wine with the co-worker who helped bring the success. This was the world I had wanted. To bring down high stakes criminals, to risk my life, for a pretty plane to take me home where I could brag to all of my friends about it while adding, "I can't really share the details, but—" I wanted to continue the Kingsley legacy and sit beside Jasper knowing that I was just as strong as he was, just as smart as Alistair, and just as dedicated as my mom.

But I didn't feel smart, nor strong, nor dedicated.

And when I looked at Jasper with his head tipped back against the fine leather seat, his eyes pinched closed, I wondered how I had ever seen him as strong. Every case, every assignment, every person he came into contact with, stuck on him. Wore him down.

"Why did you come after me?" I asked.

Jasper didn't open his eyes or turn to me, but his features softened. "Because I care about you."

"Because we're family."

"I mean, that's what brought us together in the first place, but even if you had been assigned to me as an average rookie, I would have come after you."

"You could have stopped this whole thing. You could have intercepted him earlier than me because you could have used a cell phone or dozens of other gadgets they must provide you with."

"This is true."

"So why didn't you?"

At this, he finally rolled his head towards me and allowed his eyes to open. The brown irises that I had always thought were closed off and cold, conveyed something new now. A heartbroken look settled across his features. "I know you, London. I was you. When I had something to prove or an axe to grind, I wouldn't have let anyone take it away from me. You are no different. If Alistair and I killed him, then what? You would do everything in your power to bring your own kind of justice. You needed this."

"And now what?" I asked, my voice quaking in the air between us. "I've proven myself, so now what?"

"That's up to you, Alligator."

But that was the problem, wasn't it? I thought at this point in my life, I would be swinging from a chandelier, cocktail in hand, screaming to the whole world that I had done it. I had taken hold of the dream I had been destined for. I had imagined it a thousand times and it had always looked so glorious from the outside in. so why did it feel so wretched on the inside?

"You and Alistair no longer work in covert operations. Why?" I blurted before I could think better of it.

Jasper let out a little sigh and rocked his head from side to side as if there was a knot between his shoulders he just couldn't bear. "Most agents transition into something less dangerous within the first few years of their work. Others are there for life. It's different for every person so it's not like I can answer for everyone."

"Then answer for yourself."

Jasper paused at the ice in my tone, but had no reaction otherwise. "If you want to know the truth, I left because of Zara. While I was working in covert ops, I was running. It's the kind of work where you can't allow yourself to have a second of free thought because it might get you killed. So I didn't have to think about how I got the daughter of a drug lord pregnant and how I was failing as a father to the son I wanted to give a better life to. Zara came into the picture and I realized that I was being a coward, hiding behind a job that demanded everything from me and could have even taken my life. What good is all the money they pay you if you're dead before thirty?"

"Well, my mom lasted more than a few years and she wasn't running from anything." I said the words, but they felt like a childish lie in my mouth. I was her daughter and I barely knew her some days. I didn't know how many people she had killed, the trauma she endured. What I knew was that she had a failed marriage despite all of the love in the world, she had seen countless colleagues be buried, and when she had a daughter, the only thing she could do was raise that little girl to be just like her.

"I did it, Jasper," I murmured, my words quiet and small. "I did what my mom always wanted." My cousin just nodded his head slowly at me, letting my wheels spin for traction. "I thought it was what I wanted. I thought it was what I needed. But all I've done is disregard the life I could have had, the one I actually wanted. I hurt people I care about. I walked away from my dreams and my talents." I gave up everything that had meant anything to me.

"I know."

With a defeated sigh, I sank into the seat. It was all gone. And I had just given it all away. "I just really want to hug my dad."

"I called him before we took off, he'll be there when we land."

And he was, because my dad would never flake out on me. Even when I had risked my life to do something I should have never done. He was a wreck when I spotted him, pacing back and forth so anxiously that the security guards were eyeing him up. He was wearing a sweater that I could remember from childhood camping trips when he would take me bird watching or fishing. When he saw me coming, he broke down.

"London," he choked out, then I was in his arms.

And we were both crying. Crying for my mother. Crying for the fear. Crying for the relief. 

~~~Question of the Day~~~

What was your first concert?