Judging by the full box of granola bars in the pantry, it's getting bad again, and my mother can see it like an oncoming storm
However, despite the ferocious winds, she asks me only twice if I'm eating right
I lie to her twice, wearing my poker face like a badge of honor, and she moves on to other matters
She once told me that if I don't eat, I will die
And to that, I raise a glass of my low-calorie juice and down it.
When I automatically tear apart my meals into tiny bites, leaving the bread away from the rest of my food, I know it's getting bad again, but no one understands what it means, except me
My food rituals keep me sane, like a devout worshipper praying to their god
If these rituals are my religion, then I must be maddened with faith
It is a way to count without processing the numbers, a way to keep my streak of faux-sobriety
It is a way to record my highs and lows without a calculator
The health website says that if I don't get better, I will die
And to that, I take my sandwiches apart and leave my bread untouched.
Finding myself unable to breathe as I read other people's stories but don't look away, I know it's getting bad again
There are tears in my eyes as I stare at their skeletal bodies, a look I was never able to achieve
I always thought I was just healthier than them, but my therapist called me "severe"
Despite her claims and wild accusations, I only feel like an anorexic when my stomach eats itself
When my body can no longer handle the pressure of perfection
I have been told by science teachers that malnourished people die
And to that, I scream from my empty chest that I am not malnourished
/
And to that, I stare death in the face again and again and again
I do not feel severe
I feel good, I feel brave, I feel right in my awful choices that I would never encourage
My terrible coping mechanism, because breathing exercises can only do so much
It is wrong, it is twisted, and one day I will learn again what I beat out of my soul with diets and running
One day, I will realize that severity does not have a look, and "severe" is not a person, but a problem to be fixed immediately
One day, I will grow up and understand that an empty stomach never fixed anything
One day, I will stop being content with the idea of death grabbing me before I reach twenty-five
One day, someone will tell me that I am going to die if I don't stop
And to that, instead of putting a napkin over my food
I will pick up a fork and eat.
