wasn't it obvious? [byler]

part 13. Will

As I'm walking up the stairs to leave, I try my best not to look back at Mike. He is so confusing. One second he's saying that the night is ruined, even though we were together, and the next he's touching my arm as if we're dating. I can't keep up with him.

"So you're sure you don't know where Nancy is, right?" Mrs. Wheeler says as I reach the top of the stairs

"Uhm... yeah, sorry. I'm not sure. Maybe she's up there and you just don't know" Jonathan responds, laughing at the end

"Bye, Mrs. Wheeler, thanks again." I say as Jonathan ushers me out of the door

When we're outside, he turns to me.

"Nancy is in the car, she's super drunk. You gotta help me get her upstairs without her parents knowing. I don't want her to get in trouble" Jonathan begs

[later, at Will's house]

We finally get home after I helped Jonathan get Nancy home safe and I can't stop thinking about my talk with Mike. Maybe he likes me in the same way I like him after all...

But then there's El. He still talks about her, even when I had just told him about something that is quite literally impossible.

I mean, who tells one "hey, I'm stuck between two worlds" and they respond "yeah, I miss my girlfriend"

Ugh, straight people. Not that I'm not straight or something...

Who am I kidding? I'm so not straight.

But I have to be, right?

I sit down on my bed.

If I was gay, hypothetically of course, who would accept me? If I'm the way that I am, thinking about all this 'you can't be different' stuff, then Jonathan must be the same way, right? We had the same dad who said all that crap. And Jonathan likes girls, what if he thinks I am weird if I don't? But my mom... I heard one of her conversations when dad was still here and I remember calling me something. A word I honestly don't even want to think of. They were married for god sake, what if they think the same about that, even now.

Actually, why should I even think about dad? He's gone. And he was awful anyways.

As for my friends...

Dustin would be- well, I don't know. He's never said anything about that kind of person. Lucas wouldn't care though. I know he seems like he would and everything but he really doesn't. After years of people calling us gay, for whatever reason, I don't think they'd be surprised if one of us actually turned out gay.

But Mike. Mike had always been sort of, stand-off-ish..? I don't even know how to explain it but I can't tell with him sometimes. And sure, in theory, he might be okay with gay people, but in real life? I think a lot of people are like that. Maybe Jonathan is like that too... or my mom, or Dustin, or Lucas...

Before I know it, I'm crying. Why am I like this? Why is it okay for everyone to be the way they want to be but it's shameful for me?

I get up, turn off the lights, and lay down on my bed.

Maybe if I just don't think about it, it'll go away. Maybe I'll just go away.

As I'm falling asleep, I think of Mike and our conversation. Not only that but..

The way his eyelashes lay atop his under eyes,

The green flecks that swirl in his dark brown eyes,

How freckles of all shapes and sizes sit on his nose,

The un-even pinks and red that flush his cheeks when it's cold,

And his lips that I could watch talk for hours.

"I'm always here for you." is the only thing I can hear as I doze off...

author's note: Though this is a pretty short chapter, I feel like it's so important to understand what Will is going through. Imagine being a teen in the '80s going through this :( I love Will and hate seeing him sad but it's so important to his character development. Once again, thank you for reading!