Letting Go * Top 10 #SYTYCW15 * (LGBT BxB)

Part Seventeen - Loving

Quick A/N the song is for the end of the chapter.

"We're going to let the balloons off soon, you still coming?" Xavier exclaimed opening the door to the spare room.

"Yeah, just give me a second."

I rolled off the bed and shoved my feet into my shoes. I tried to push all my thoughts of Ben from my head, today was supposed to be about Cris, remembering him. I had to make an effort for the guys.

I walked down stairs and left the house with Scarlett and Xavier, I had tried not to mope around since the rooftop concert, but Ben hadn't called and with each day that passed I grew increasingly depressed. The drive to the beach was uneventful, but that didn't stop the memories of both Cris and Ben filtering through. I knew what Cris would say if he could.

One of us is gone. One of us is still here. Keep fighting for him.

I just wasn't sure I had enough fight left in me.

When we arrived at the beach Jay, Doc and Isla were already there. Between them they had around 20 balloons with rude messages that would have made Cris laugh. I read them one by one, soaking up the memorial, slowly gaining warmth to the idea. The last balloon was different though. It just said 'You don't need to let go to move on from loss, missing him reminds you that you love him and loving someone is never something to be afraid of."

I pulled it from the rest and looked up at the others. "Where did this come from?" I croaked.

Everyone shrugged. "It was actually kind of here when we got here." Isla smiled. "Tied to a stick that was shoved in the ground. I figured a friend heard about the memorial?"

My mouth dried out and I looked around. Ben He had written this, he had been here, maybe he was still here. Back in Chicago I had said I needed to let go, that I missed Cris  regardless of milestones and I thought I had to let go in order to love again, but he was right, I still missed Cris, I still loved him and I always would, but now I was in love with Ben too. I couldn't really pinpoint when my feelings had changed because it had been such a gradual process knocked in to hyper drive by a photoshoot. But it didn't matter, it wasn't wrong to be in love again.

"Ben was here." I whispered, grasping the string of the balloon tightly.

Scarlett walked over and read the message. "That's so sweet. Maybe we should keep this one?" she whispered placing her arm around me. I shook my head and released my watertight grip on the string letting it sit loosely between my thumb and my fingers.

"I'm letting go of the balloon, but never of Cris." I smiled.

Scarlett let out a giggle. "You're a funny guy Jace, I've missed this side of you the last week."

"I've missed me too." And I had, ever since I'd last spoken to Ben I'd been living in a world where everything just seemed dull and dark. My optimism had faded and I hadn't truly smiled, I had been scared that my jaded heart had taken too much of a beating, maybe I was just meant to be an angry person from now on, but just holding the balloon with Ben's words scrawled on it filled me with hope.

The six of us walked down to edge of the shoreline, the cool water lapped over my feet and I closed my eyes. Cris had first kissed me when we had visited this beach, before anyone even knew we were dating, It was why he liked it. I hadn't been back here since his death, not because I was avoiding it, but because I had told myself not to dwell on the hurt. Now I was here it only filled me with good memories.  

The guys began to share their own memories and thoughts about Cris one by one until finally it was my turn.

"Two years, I never thought I'd get to a place where living without you was possible. I've told myself every day that it'll get better, just waiting for it to happen and it did, I just didn't quite realize it was happening. Two years and I miss you just as much as I always have, but I'm in love.... Again. It might go somewhere, it might not, but I know now I can love you, and still live."