What You Left Behind

Part 5

We were sitting in the office like usual preparing for my chemo treatment. I really hated chemo, I didn't understand why they kept pushing it even though it was just making me worse. My hair was falling out and it was deteriorating my body more than the illness itself. But today was different, the doctors were giving me a choice. If I wanted to continue doing chemo at the very slim chance or if I wanted to just quit and live out the little time I had left. The room went silent for what seemed like hours, the doctors and Blaze were staring at me waiting for an answer. I told Blaze that maybe he would give me some sort of guidance for what he wanted me to do but he didn't. He seemed ok with either choice. I took another minute before deciding to opt-out of chemo treatments. The doctors nodded and took blood work and sent us off on our way. I was already late when we got out, so we drove out to the outskirts of town. Blaze had his hand intertwined with mine gently running his thumb across the back of my hand. "I'm honestly glad you chose to opt-out," he said, not taking his eyes off the road. That was kinda shocking to me, I would have figured he would've at least preferred me to take the chemo route. I just nodded and leaned across the center console to rest my head on his shoulder as he drove. The distance slightly pulled on my cannula but it was fine. I'd been relying on my cannula a lot more, I've gotten to the point where I can't sleep without it. When we pulled up to the location Blaze hopped out first and set up the blankets in the bed of the truck then came and helped me out. I've gotten really weak, my muscles seem to not want to work anymore. We sat together in the back of that truck watching the sunset, the quiet sound of crickets and birds surrounded us. The breeze was slightly chilly but not too cold that it was unpleasant. My mind drifted to random things but one thing really bothered me. One thing that had been bothering me since the diagnosis. What was Blaze gonna do once I was gone? Would be move on or stay lonely forever. He still had the majority of his life to live. What was he gonna do? It seemed insensitive to ask so I never did. But it always really bugged me. I guess Blaze heard me mumbling and snapped me out of it by a quick tap on the shoulder. He motioned up to the sky. It was filled with beautiful purples and pinks that mixed within the clouds. It was beautiful. I'd seen pretty sunsets before from my house but never out in nature like this. It was really nice. As the sunset, we sat out there for a bit longer and watched the meteor shower take place. It was really astonishing but I could only stay up for so long and I was nearing my limit. Blaze seemed to notice and helped me back inside the truck. He needed to get me home so I could take my meds before I went to bed. I must have fallen asleep on the drive home because I woke up to being carried into our apartment and being set on the sofa. I let out a groggy whine and took the water and medications being handed to me before leaning into Blaze and falling back asleep.
When I woke up it was around 2:30. I've been sleeping in a lot more than usual. The little glass pot we made in our potter class sat on the shelf. We made it to put my ashes in when I finally passed. It was a light blue and had both of our handprints on it. It was such a beautiful piece of art, kinda sad it had to have such a dark meaning. It glistened in the sunlight that flooded the room. My chest felt heavy and my bones felt weak. Today was one of my bad days. Where it hurts to breathe and every breath I take feels like a chore. I feel like a machine running out of gas, struggling with the last little drops of gas I have left. Essentially that's what it is if you think about it. I'm just feeding off the little last drops of life I have left. I can't get out of bed, my legs are too weak to stand. Even reaching for my phone to text the blonde in the next room felt hard but I managed. I sent him a quick text that I was awake and he came into the room a few minutes later holding a cup of tea. He handed it to me as I took my slew of meds and sat down next to me. His face looked dull and pale. He didn't normally eat when he was stressed out and I could tell he hadn't had a proper meal in a while.