What You Left Behind

Part 7

Monitors beeping and him flat-lining. That's what I remember from that day. Onyx was gone. I wasn't sure if I should scream or cry. There were so many things we never got to do but we prepared for this. When the nurses came in they pulled me off of him. I was shaking and I didn't know what to do. My friend came running in after they were contacted. Kiri pulled me off the floor and held me close to him, and as soon as his arms wrapped around me I gripped him tightly and bawled. The man I liked- no love was now dead. I knew it would happen, I knew the minute he texted me that one day hope was gone. He was gone. I didn't know what to do with myself, my world was falling at my feet and all I could do was hold onto my friend for dear life. I didn't leave that hospital for a while till Kiri talked me into it. He dropped me off at the apartment and told me that I should call him if I needed anything and then left. I stepped into that small apartment, the pictures of us on the wall, the familiar smell of him in the apartment. I tried to pretend he wasn't gone, that he was just away for a little and he'd be back soon but after walking into our old shared bedroom, seeing the blue vase we made. It hit me. I dropped to the floor in tears, hugging my knees and bawling. I didn't want him gone. He was the one thing I cared about after all these years. I was there for him through everything. He was my whole life. And now he is gone just like that. Weeks went by me and my friends planned the funeral. It wasn't gonna be big, just a small gathering. Kiri went with me to go pick up the ashes and I held onto that box for dear life. I've cried every night since he died. And now with the funeral being today, it hurts. Kiri came over and helped me with putting some of his ashes into the blue vase before we put the box into the ground. When it came time for the funeral everyone came dressed nicely. We sat in the chapel and listened to the pastor talk about him and one by one we came up to speak about him. I spaced out halfway through till Kiri set a hand on my shoulder. It was my time to go up. He came with me as we stood on the podium. "Ollie Johnson or as we all knew him: Onyx. Was such an amazing person. He did things that no normal person would do. He was a good friend, a good roommate, and in the end a great partner. Maybe if I could have turned back the clock we would have been able to spend more time together. Maybe I would have been able to marry him...but he left before I was able to." I sniffled and messed with the ring in my pocket. I went to find out he wasn't gonna be able to stay long enough to actually get married but we didn't even have enough time for me to be able to give it to him. " He will forever be in my heart, he was my life, my everything even when we were little. He had so much light and it showed. I just hope in the end that he will be at peace, and not in pain. Because at least then he won't have to worry, he won't have to deal with daily struggles, he can have the peace he so deserved." My voice was cracking and I couldn't talk much longer, I was a mess. Kiri helped me off the podium and comforted me while we walked out of the cemetery. We chose to put him next to his mom since he loved her more than anything. As we set the box in the ground and covered it everyone took their turns setting a flower and saying their last goodbyes. I went last. I didn't say anything out loud but I was sure if Onyx was here we would understand what I was saying. I set the small silver ring on the grave and sighed. As people cleared off I sat there. I sat there for a while till the sunset watching one last with him. "I'll be with you soon my love." I'd planned on joining him a long time ago when he inevitably died and now that he was gone I had nothing else. I needed him and so I would go with him. I got up and walked to the apartment, and grabbed the vase, a piece of paper, and a pencil. I knew Kiri would be over tomorrow to check on me so I might as well leave a small note. I felt bad he was gonna have to find me, none the less I needed Onyx back, I couldn't live without him. Taking the pills Onyx had in the cupboard. He had high pain meds that we already had to be careful with so taking more than he did would be plenty. Setting my stuff on the bathroom floor in front of me, a bottle of pills in hand. Was this really the answer? Should I follow through? I sat there for a moment thinking about it but everything about him kept flooding my mind. I was useless without him. I had nothing, without him. Shakily I popped the pills into my mouth swallowing them dry then started writing. I needed Kiri to know I was gonna be ok.