Thoughts Under The Sun (A Journal)

Energy gap

Basahain mo nga ulit?

Charooot lang.

I wanna start this part by simply asking you a question. Sure ka ba sa mga itinuturing mong kaibigan?

Hindi tayo sure kung totoo sila saatin or hindi. Habang tumatanda kasi ako, na realized ko na hindi lahat ng tao totoo. There are times na mapapaisip ka kung pina-plastic niya lang ba ako or hindi? Nag r-reply lang ba sila sakin dahil sobrang kulit ko or nag r-reply lang sila dahil wala silang choice. Kasi at the meantime wala silang kausap. Ako kasi oo eh, walang jowa kaya I always wanted to talk to my friends every day.

I am this type of person na once na super close na tayo, lagi na akong mag c-chat sayo at mag s-share ng kung ano ano even about family problems and private life. I also used to send memes and minsan nga nag s-send pa ako ng mga possible na maging crush nila HAHAHAA if ever man na mapunta kami sa topic na wala na silang crush. Yes, I seriously did that things. Kasi nga sobrang at home kana sakanya and wala kana ring hiya.

Halos araw araw akong nakiki- how are you? Kung may lakad 'tong friend ko I update them if what happened to their day mga ganon pero I have this one friend that made me realize na parang hindi kami same na binibigay na energy sa isa't isa.

I always update her about my life and about what I really feel at the moment. She responds naman but not that so genuine. Parang medyo matabang. Kasi maf-feel mo naman talaga kung interested sayo yung tao eh. I am also saying to this friend naman na wag siyang mahihiya sakin mag share kasi I'm always here lang naman. I'm just one call or chat away. But she doesn't seem to like it.

She just said na wala naman daw ganap sa buhay niya.

Then I felt something. Is this friend of mine considering me also as a friend?

Baka kasi ako lang ang nag c-consider na friends kami.

O baka naman nahihiya lang siya mag open up since iba iba naman tayong lahat.

Kung may one-sided love, may one-sided friends din. Ikaw lang naman pala ang nag t-treat sakanila as a friend.

Ikaw lang ang bigay ng bigay ng chika tapos siya wala man lang ambag. Charooot but kinda like that tho.

Masakit sa part na wala kana ngang jowa, ganito pa sayo yung tinuturing mong friends.

I don't know if may pinagdadaanan siya or whatsoever kasi lagi ko naman nakikita sa mga story niya na umaalis siya sa bahay nila. Buti nga siya laging nasa galaan, what about me naman? I'm just always at home.

Siguro that was one of the reason why she can't give back the energy I am giving to her because she thinks that I am nothing.

Sino ba naman ako para pagtuuan ng pansin, eh lagi lang naman nasa bahay nila duh...

There are times nga na nalalaman ko pa sa iba yung mga life updates niya eh. See, we are friends kuno pero mas alam pa ng iba yung life happenings niya kaysa sakin. Tapos ako na s-shock nalang ako like bakit wala siyang nababanggit sakin? Hindi man lang nag chika sakin ng ganaps??

Kaya yun na nga.

I shouldn't give her too much energy knowing she couldn't give it back to me.

Ang laki ng energy gap namin sa isa't isa eh.

But at the end, I wanna say thank you to you. Kasi you teach me on how to refrain and be in silence. Nung napagtanto ko kasi yun, parang sabi ko baka nao-over share na ako kaya I better stop na. I still reaching her out but not that na halos araw araw.

I'm not mad. I'm just devastated.

Ang hirap pala mag refrain in silence lalo na kung alam nila na maingay ka. Naninibago sila and sometimes even think na galit ka kahit hindi naman.

Growing doesn't stop. Growing is adapting the realization of life.