Thoughts Under The Sun (A Journal)

Pain that changed me

Sabi nga nila "Making mistakes is part of growing and maturing." Then I think it is true.

For me, mistakes are one of our stepping stones to be mature on our decisions. And always remember that wrong decisions can lead us to right directions.

Three years ago I did something that embarrassed myself online. As a 17- year old teenager, all I want is to be known and to have a bunch of reactors on my Facebook account. Sounds crazy but that time I was too desperate to be "famous".

I once updated my profile picture and as expected, there's plenty of heart reacts on my photo and comments but there's a one girl who just liked it that made me go and messaged this girl to unlike my photo and react "heart" into it.

The audacity of me to message her like that but because of we are born in the internet world, I did it anyway and I didn't expect that she will humiliate me online. 

Some of the students in our campus looked at me like I'm a garbage and a social climber girl.

Because this girl just posted my picture and the convo of us with a bad caption towards me.

I know it's my fault and that time, crying wasn't enough. I was so drown of what I made. I did something that will humiliate not anyone but myself.

Until nga sa pinagkaisahan na ako ng group of friends niya. Their comments are flooding on my notifications kahit na nasa class pa ako. This girl kasi is not going to school na and as I remember she already have a baby. In short, she's a grown woman na but I don't think so if she's grown woman na based on how she act.

Hindi ko naman siya masisisi kung bakit niya yun nagawa since kasalanan ko naman talaga at the very first place. I sent the message kasi to her early in the morning that maybe made her furious.

Her group of friends bashed me the way they want and thrown bad words towards me. I remembered that they also said that 'who am I to told her to unlike the photo and hindi naman daw ako maganda para i-heart yung profile.'

And after they bashed me, they blocked me on Facebook and I think, they still do what they want to say to me and humiliate me.

But all of what happened and they say wrong words to me, I didn't fight back.

I am not that type of person and I know that I deserve it.

I am so thankful that my friends are always there to comfort me. In fact, they are willing to fight back but I didn't give them the permission to. We are students and we are soon to be  professionals so we must practice how to hold our temper. Plus, we don't give a damn.

And the real thing is ayoko nang lumaki pa yung gulo.

Even sa family ko, hindi nila alam 'tong issue na 'to. I will keep it secret as I want. 3 years passed and I survive not to tell them. (Kaya please satin satin nalang  muna 'to hah)

Totally and gladly, one day lang umikot yung issue na 'to. I feel a relief and I learned my lesson.

Dahil sa nagyari, I used to be private na. Kaya nga kung makikita niyo ang Facebook account ko, it's so boring na and almost deleted na rin lahat ng mga nakaraang shared posts ko.

Bukal sa loob ko yung naging desisyon kong yun and for now, I am happy. I am happy kasi masaya rin pala na yung selected people lang yung nakaka alam ng buhay mo. Na realized ko din na online world is very toxic. One wrong move and all of the good things on you will be criticize and judge.

Thank you din pala doon kay ate girl na nagpahiya saakin and also doon sa mga friends niya. They inspire me to have a glow up on my life. Naging mas concern ako sa body ko, sa color ko and mas na inspire ko magaral ng mabuti even tho I'm always on the top of our class. Mas pinag igian ko pa yun.

The mistakes and decisions I  made lead me to redirection. And that's because of the pain you have gave to me. I am now matured enough on my actions. And ang pagiging kong walang hiya ay itinoon ko doon sa mga bagay na alam kong ikagaganda ng buhay ko. I also started vlogging and writing! I also train myself to have confidence to make new friends.

I am happy to tell you guys na after two years of being in private, I decided to open to public my account na. Gusto ko rin makita ng ibang tao kung ano na ako ngayon. I passed the university and the course what I want and I think that's one of the biggest flex on my life. 2 more years at ga graduate na ako!! And I now enjoying little things and live the happiest life ng walang tinatapakang tao.

So thank you.

You guys changed me in a complete traumatic way.

PS:
Isa sa mga kaibigan niya na nang bash saakin noon, viewer nalang ng mga story ko sa Instagram. Hehe look at me, now look at you. How you like that? Charooot