Confession ~Juuzou x Reader AU~

Chapter 11: Yesterday's Love

Red.

Red marbles – glossed and polished – and red thread. That's what I see as I lay on the pullout mattress in Rui's hospital room. Staring into the darkness. Glimmering red...crimson eyes. Thread that pops against stunning ivory skin. Hair so dark it reminds me of the night sky. A face caught between masculine and feminine. His face.

Juuzou.

My thoughts are swirling, swimming with questions and observations. Though, mainly pondering. It seems I have known Juuzou for a lifetime now, but it has only been a few months. Furthermore, what I know about him – as I have come to realize – is surface level. I know he is the highest-ranking TSC officer and that he is from Japan, but aside from that, I know next to nothing.

I don't know his favorite color. I don't know his favorite food. I don't know if he likes cats or dogs more, and nor do I know if he likes coffee. Is he an early bird or a night owl? Does he want to watch the sunrise, or see the sun dive beneath the horizon? I don't even know his birthday.

I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise. It's not as if I ever took the time to get to know him. I spent so much time grunting and bitching whenever he appeared, and even after I adjusted to seeing him, I still didn't do anything to get to know him.

So, who knows? Maybe he is married and has a family. Maybe he has this whole domestic life back in Japan that I never knew about. Maybe his wife is back in their home, patiently waiting for her husband to get home. Maybe his kids are counting down the days until their dad comes home.

Maybe, maybe, maybe. So many maybe's. So many things I don't know. So many things I never even thought to ask.

But could I ask them? Could I really find a way to bring up those topics? I mean, they're just little topics. Just snippets of his life. But snippets that are suddenly intriguing. Things that pique my interest. Things that I want to know.

I want to know about him. I want to know about his life. I want to know about his family. What are his kids like? Does he even have kids? What is his wife like? Does he even have a wife? Or is he with a man?

I swallow a hard lump.

I don't know where that came from. That thought... That train of thoughts. One after the other, all revolving so perfectly around him. Why? And why do I feel this? This pit in my chest...

Lucas's face flashes through my mind. I squeeze my eyes shut. This precious ache clutches my chest. I grip my shirt.

One day...I know Rui will ask about her dad. One day, she'll ask why Martha hates me so much and why Joseph is so indifferent. One day, she'll wonder about my parents and why she's never met them. One day, she'll question why other little girls have their dads in their lives and she doesn't. She'll wonder and ask all that and I'll have to answer.

I'll have to tell her. I'll have to be honest with not just her but myself as well and stop criminalizing Lucas. That's what I'll have to do. Hate it or love it, it will be for her.

And I know what question will follow. What she'll ask next. Mommy, do you still love Daddy? And I'll have to swallow the dryness in my throat that will inevitably follow. I'll have to ignore the shaking in my limbs. I'll have to find my voice, which will be lost within my chest. And I'll answer. Yes. Yes, I do. I always will.

I don't know when she'll ask that. I don't know when that day will come. I hope I have time. I hope I'll have the right words. And I hope she'll have the understanding. Because no matter what we say or do, Lucas will never come back.

**Ello lovelies! Though this chapter is short, it took me almost a week to type it. Between work, then being out of town all weekend has had me busy. My sisters and I took a mini trip to Lake Erie (Cleveland). It was nice but due to rain the previous day, we weren't able to swim, which sucked. After that, we went back to my sister's apartment before heading to a park and walking in a creek. Being outside, soaking up the sun was so nice and much needed. Did my soul some good. But now it's back to the weekly grind. Hope y'all are doing good! Sending happy vibes to anyone who needs it! As always, thank y'all so much for everything! Y'all are awesome sauce! Wuv yous!! <3**

-Noel Ross