Confession ~Juuzou x Reader AU~

Chapter 19: Hell to Hell

~4 Days Later~

The last time I was here, I was following a hearse.

I was following a hearse, wearing a deep red dress and broken-down black flats. My hair had been pulled back and my cheeks pink. My lips had been trembling and my knees wobbly. And wherever I walked, my swollen stomach entered first.

I haven't been here since. I don't know if anyone has. Well, maybe that's a lie. I'm sure they stopped by at least once during their visit to H/P.

Martha and Joseph. I'm sure they came. Probably even placed a new, expensive bouquet of Forget Me Nots or lilies on his headstone. Maybe brushed any dirt away. That's a very Martha thing to do.

But here I am. The first time in three years with a cluster of posies in my hands. Blue and white flowers, of course. Red felt too... Well, too intimate right now. The last time either of us gave the other red flowers... Well, Rui was conceived. And beyond that, it's been three years since my last visit. Three years since I tossed a handful of dirt into the deep ground.

The breeze blows – warm and humid. This morning's rain hangs in the air, still lingering. I inhale and begin to walk. Even after all this time, I still remember where he is. And sure enough, there he is. Right there. A polished headstone standing firm with his name engraved on the rock.

Lucas Joseph Marx

Chills wash through my body as I step closer. It feels so strange to be here. To know that just six feet below me is...is where... That's where Lucas is. Well, where his body is. Lucas himself...he left the minute they pronounced him dead. Lucas – the Lucas I knew and loved – has been gone ever since that moment, and logically I know that. But being here...

I stand before his headstone. Staring at his name. My throat becomes tight.

"Sorry I haven't come to visit sooner," I say with a swallow. It feels bizarre to be talking to a slab of cement. Still, despite how silly it is, it also feels right. I step forward and kneel, placing the flowers down. "I know you prefer red, but...it's been a while. But I doubt you care."

The wind blows, whisking the loose strands of hair. It rattles the leaves in the overhead tree branches as the damp seeps into my dress. It's calm. So calm. I keep waiting to hear Lucas reply, but nothing. Of course.

I breathe, "I thought about bringing her today. Rui, I mean. I thought about it, but I don't know. She's so young, but God, so smart. You'd be amazed." I chuckle. "She's so much like you. Outgoing, friendly, and eager to make friends." A twinge pulls at my chest. "She was. Some bad things happened and now... Well, she's going to be seeing a child psychologist. But don't worry. She's safe. She's with my landlady, Mrs. Warner. She's such a sweet, older lady. Rui adores her. She's like a grandmother to her."

I clutch my wrist. "She's also a ghoul, but she's a good one. I trust her with Rui. I know she'll protect her. She's safe with her." The wind continues to blow, gingering grazing my cheeks. It reminds me of how his thumb used to stroke them. I swallow. "It's been hard...doing this without you. Raising her alone. Watching her go through what she's going through now. It hurts. I blame myself a lot."

I do. I do blame myself. I blame myself for trusting Clay...Key. I blame myself for not being able to protect her. I blame myself for letting her get snatched away. I blame myself for...

"I was angry at you," I say, fidgeting with my fingers. "For dying. I was so angry, but that's not fair to you. You didn't choose that...but I do know you'd prefer it was you over me and Rui. There isn't a doubt in my mind. Still...I was angry, and I blamed you and I made you out like the villain in my head." Tears start to form as an aching clutches my chest. "I'm so sorry for that. I'm so sorry for blaming you. I'm so sorry for being so cold. I'm so sorry I never come to visit. I'm so sorry I didn't bring Rui. I'm just... I'm so sorry, Lucas."