Confession ~Juuzou x Reader AU~

Chapter 15: Cry

He gazes down at her, watching as she softly breathes. She is peacefully and blissfully asleep. Completely unaware of the here and now. Which is fine. She's had a big day.

"Man, she's out like a light," he whispers, making his way back to where I'm sitting on the sofa. He plops down. "I wish I could sleep like that!"

I can see what he means. He hasn't been sleeping much – it's easy enough to tell. The dark circles under his eyes are still there. Painfully so. I suspect he's been worried. Worried about finding the kids and now about finding anyone and everyone involved in this whole mess. It has to be stressful. So, I get it. To a degree, anyway.

"Yeah, that makes the two of us," I say. I watch him. "How are you sleeping these days? I mean, you saved the kids."

He shifts. "I get a few hours in each night."

I frown. "How many is a few?"

"A few..."

"Juuzou."

"Ugh. Fine. Three, maybe four."

I don't like that answer. Not at all. That's not nearly enough. Especially if he doesn't get any rest during the day. And I assume he doesn't. Not with the workload he has.

I sigh, "You know that's not nearly enough. Eight hours are the recommended amount of sleep."

"Yeah, I know that." He looks at me. "What about you, though?"

"What about me?"

"You have a habit of not getting sleep, too ya know."

Okay. True. That's a fair assessment. Especially back when Rui was still missing. But still... He is a TSC officer. He needs his rest to do his work. His job is far more important than a worried mother.

"Toche," I say, "But still..."

"But still," he smirks.

I don't know why, but heat sprawls across my face, burning my cheeks and ears. This sputter hums somewhere deep within my chest as this fluttering twists my stomach. I don't like this. This feeling...it's so familiar. So known to me. So warm and...

"What about her dad?" he asks abruptly, shaking me from my thoughts.

I turn and look at him, blinking. "I'm sorry?"

"Rui. What about her dad? I've never seen the guy. Does he know what happened?"

The fluttering stops as my heart drops into my stomach. My eyes fall. "Oh. Lucas. His name is Lucas." I look at my sleeping child. Long sweeping lashes. Rosy cheeks. A lump takes shape in my throat. "Yeah... He...he..." This is difficult to say. "Lucas died three years ago."

Those words roll off my tongue like knives. Painful, bitter words that I have swallowed so many times before. They taste like poison. And I hate them.

But he seems unfazed. Juuzou, I mean. His expression is even and unreadable. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. This is Juuzou, after all. And even if he did want to react, how would he? Hearing something like that... I wouldn't know how to react.

"Oh," he says. His tone is flat and even. "Well, I guess that explains why I never see the guy."

I nod, "Yeah."

A few moments of silence. Then: "How'd he die?"

There. There it is. The dreaded question. The question I always try to avoid or hide from. But where can I hide now?

I fidget. "Car accident." My voice is small. "He was driving back from my parents' house and this elderly woman driving on the other side of the road – who was going way too fast – swerved and hit him head-on." I roll those words in my mouth like marbles. "It was an accident. She was in her nineties. She didn't know how fast she was going or that she was being reckless, but she was. And it cost Lucas his life. Of course, she was fine."

He sits, looking at me. His expression is still unreadable. I'm not sure what he expected, though. Surely not sunshine and rainbows.

"Sorry to hear that," he says. He glances at Rui. "You said he died three years ago. Did he..."

"Ever get to meet Rui?" I finish. A halfhearted smile twitches my lips as I shake my head. "No. He died right before she was born." I stop and think about him. About Lucas. "It's kind of fucked up, actually. He's dead. At no fault of his own, no less. And still...I criminalize him as if he's some deadbeat who walked out on us. It hurt so much when he died that he might as well have walked out."

Tears begin to prick my eyes. How long have I been holding this in? How long have I been hiding this feeling? That's right. Three years.

"He was a good guy," I say. "He was a really good guy, and he was going to be an incredible dad. He was there for everything. Every appointment. Every conversation. He even stood up for me against his mom. And when my parents kicked me out, he was there. Arms open and ready to bring me with him." My stomach twists. My throat tightens. "That's why he was on his way back from my parents' that night... He was grabbing a few of my things that I wanted."

I squeeze my eyes shut. "I blame myself. A lot. I mean...if I had gone. Yeah, my parents would have been hell to deal with, but –"

"He went for a reason," Juuzou interrupts. "He went because he loved you, and he loved Rui. He didn't want you to be stressed." He looks at Rui. "And had you gone, it could have been you in that wreck. It could have been the both of you. And how do you think Lucas would have felt having lost his baby and girlfriend? I'm not a parent but I'm pretty sure that would have destroyed him."

I blink. I don't think I was expecting him to say something so profound – both so meaningful and logical. It's so...like him, yet unlike him. It's a confusing and strange feeling and thought process.

Still, I understand what he is saying is true. Logically, I know. I know if Lucas had a choice, he would still take being in that accident over me being there. He would still choose to spare me and his daughter. I know he would. Because Juuzou is right. Had it been me... Lucas's entire world would have shattered, and I understand that.

I look at Rui. My world was shattered when she went missing. I almost forgot how to breathe, and when I could breathe, it hurt like hell. It was as if I was sinking lower and lower in a deep, deep ocean full of nothingness. Nothing but cold blackness. Had I been the one who died in that wreck...Lucas would have experienced that. He didn't know Rui yet, but he wanted to. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted everything to do with her. Hell, he had been more excited than me. So, had he been denied that opportunity...I can't imagine how he would have felt.

I shrink. "I guess I've known that. He would choose himself over and over if it meant saving me and Rui." I can feel his eyes on me. Studying me. Observing me. Probably waiting for whatever else I have to say. At first, I don't think I have anything else to say, but then: "He loved me. He loved her. He loved us so much. So much. And I loved him. When he died... I don't know. I felt betrayed. I felt alone. I was angry. Moreso at God or whatever...but I guess...I guess that anger simmered and drizzled down to Lucas." I wipe a tear away. "It's so fucked up. He didn't choose to die. It's not his fault. But I... It hurts so much."

At that, the tears fall. I muffle the sobs, not wanting to stir Rui. Still, those hot tears roll down my cheeks. And they won't stop falling. My chest heaves, this heavy pain pulling and tugging at it. I tremble.

I hate this. I hate this feeling. This pain. I worked so hard to bury it. I worked so hard to contain it. And now it's just seeping out of me like a burst dame.

I cry and cry, quivering as I do. It continues. And I hate it. I wish I could morph into the sofa and disappear. I wish I could do that. I wish –

Suddenly, an arm wraps around me and pulls me close. Warmth engulfs me, swaddling me. A hand – strong and gentle – strokes my shoulder. At first, I am startled, but then I ease against him. Against Juuzou.

His hot breath brushes the top of my head as he whispers, "Cry it out. It's good to feel your feelings."

And that's what I do. I cry.

**Bello lovelies! So, not a ton happening in this chapter but now we all know what happened to Lucas. Were y'all expecting that? Feel free to let me know! Ugh. It took me three days to type this chapter. I was a busy, busy gal. Anyway, thank y'all so much for everything! Y'all are the bestest! Wuv yous!! <3**

-Noel Ross