Finding myself

Realization

Life has always been a series of disappointments. More than necessary if you ask me. I understand life isn't fair and that's that. But why? Why is the world so disgraceful. Why aren't families like they used to be anymore? It doesn't matter anyways , if it's worth anything at all. Who cares really? Who cares if you're down and defeated. Who cares really because no matter how much you speak up. Stand up for yourself you're knocked down again and again. Pessimism is the euphemism on how I view this world. This cold and heartless world.

As my eyes pierced in the mirror before me. I stared at the woman before me. The person who has grown up but has yet to experienced the world. She was average, her eyes brown, hair brown, and every part of her being is just brown. I dusted myself off hot tears streamed down my face one last time. This time, I truly understood that not even my tears mattered. Not even my tears could make my mother see. Who I am? Who I want to be? How she hurts me?

A sharp intake escaped from my lips and I existed from my bathroom doors. Making my way into the hallways of my home. It's strange, to call where I reside home but what else can I call it? The resting grounds in which I close my eyes at night. Would be a better fit but it's not socially acceptable. So I conform to the societal descriptions. Despite society not knowing what happens where I reside. Finding my way down the stairs and to the living room was easy. It was just the realization of who I had to face before me, that was particularly hard. My future husband, the man I was betrothed to, I should say sat before me.The little grey couch we owned in our home seemed small compared to him yet his demeanor seemed friendly and cold at the same time. A smile lingered on his face as I sat beside him.

I wondered to myself, what's next? How can my life be worse? Personally I hated the smile on his face as if everything is fine. As if it's normal to be in an arranged marriage but I bite my tongue.

My mother repeatedly expressed how happy she was about our upcoming wedding. Emphasizing to the man I was betrothed to how happy I am to be getting married. I doubt it was a believable statement because my face said it all. I wondered if he heard our earlier outburst, the yelling, the crying and most of all the pacing on the wooden floors beneath him. I'm sure he heard and maybe he was too embarrassed to say anything. I would be if I was in his position.

"Tiffany, do you hear me" My mother said in a stern voice.

Exiting my momentarily daze. My focus and attention was back to the matter at hand.

"Yes mom" I replied quietly

I really didn't feel like speaking much after all. What would it matter anyways. I'm getting married and that's it. I have to in order to fulfill my contract and to keep my family afloat. Would I have loved to marry a man that I would be deeply in love with? Yes but I have to realistic with my reality.

" So I was thinking you could get married at the old church down the road, you know the one painted blue" My mother stated beaming with pride.

" Yeah it works" I simply said not caring at all about this wedding.

My mother sighed then shifted her hands to her knees. She then got up off the couch and left the room. I suppose to get fresh air or to withhold herself from verbally killing me. The man with piercing green eyes or possibly blue I couldn't really tell. It seemed like a mixture of both. Looked into my eyes and it seemed as if he was studying every entity of my being. I dared not to look away because I was doing the same. Who was he really?

A deep yet melodious voice spoke and that startled me. I'm unsure why but I suppose it's because he had never directly spoke to me. Only my mother and he was always extremely quite but now I can hear his voice in it's full magnitude.

"Tiffany I just want to say about this whole arranged marriage thing, I'll be there for you and I'm really a friend in this whole thing" He stated unsure of what to really say.

A boyish smile plastered on his face as he scratched the back his neck and I realized maybe he was nervous too after all.

" I wouldn't say a friend but an ally maybe" I responded to him. Looking away from his eyes and out the windows before me. I was searching for my mother but she seemed to be out of sight.

"And why is that, you don't have to be a cry baby about the damn thing. Just put a smile on your face and move on" He angrily fired out.

I never expected him to even mention what happened upstairs much less use it against me in a fit of rage.

" Ok and how long have you know about this arranged marriage thing ? " I asked him calmly suppressing my anger.

"I've know since I was 16 and so for about ten years now" He proudly stated.

" And I just found out today not even half an hour ago! I never knew you or any of this! It's just a random Tuesday for me. But who gives a damn you had ten years to prepare and I had none" I shouted at him with as much venom as my body could muster.

He seemed shocked and taken aback as if I wasn't supposed to shout at him or he was taken off guard by something I said. Then he rolled his eyes immediately grabbing his phone out of his pocket. I paid him no mind and continued looking through the window. I heard a shuffle and he got up from the grey couch making his way to the door. He turned and looked directly at me before he walked out.

" The wedding is this Saturday since you aren't informed" He grumpily said

"What even is your name" I asked softly.

His eyes shifted and it seemed inhumane. As if he just really understood, I was completely in the dark.

"Angelo" he said with a grunt and slammed the front door on his way out"

"Angelo" I said out-loud getting used to the taste of his name on my tongue.