Finding myself

Lonely

Today is finally the day, I'll be going to the clinic with Angelo. The nurse will be inseminating Angelo's sperm and hopefully I'll have twins can you imagine. In only ten months I'll be able to leave. It will be hard to leave my babies but I know they'll be well taken care of. I grew up in a low income home with a alcoholic father and a present yet absent single mother in many ways. I had to to work for everything and because of my poverty I was sold off to this family to settle debts that I didn't even make. So they'll be better off than me, probably going to private schools the rest of their lives.

I still feel guilty to know, that I have to give up my babies for my freedom. Maybe I can visit them? Or maybe not by then Angelo will able to marry the woman he really loves and I doubt she'd want me around.

"Tiffany" Doctor Reed called as she invited me into the hospital room. I laid on the white fitted sheets of the hospital bed.

" I'll be waiting for your husband, he's currently depositing the sperm into a cup" Dr.Reed said as she scrolled on her computer and I stayed silent until Angelo entered the room with a nurse.

"Ok, so for this part just open your legs and relax... are you ok with your husband in the room" Dr. Reed said as she put on blue latex gloves. A bashful blush came across my face that I wish I could have hidden but I couldn't have. Angelo blushed as well which I never expected.

"No I don't mind" I said firmly looking into his eyes. I'm not sure but I wanted someone to be here with me.

"Ok Angelo, you can hold your wife's hands and we'll be behind this curtain" Dr.Reed said as she got ready with the nurse for my insemination.

" Are you nervous" Angelo whispered as he held my cold hands into his warm hands.

"Yes" I admitted feeling nervous and cold, my palms began to sweat and I couldn't shake it. The feeling of my life changing forever, the thought of being a mother. Angelo held on tightly to both of my hands.

"Don't worry I'm here" Angelo said calmly as he rubbed his fingers against my hands, slowly calming me down. I don't know how he has this effect on me but it worked.

" Ok we're all done, you have another check up in about a month. To see if you're pregnant" The doctor said as she removed her gloves and walked out of the room.

I got dressed and left the doctors office as Angelo still held my hands in his. Then he opened my car door and we drove home without a word. When we reached in front of the house, Angelo parked in front of the driveway. I wondered if he's finally coming home, it's been weeks and I'm lonely. I don't know anyone here and I don't have a car, everything's far away. I wish I had some company. He unlocked the car doors indicating that I should leave.

" When are you coming home?" I asked Angelo wishing I could take back my words. Wishing he didn't have a clue if I cared or not that he left.

"I don't know" Angelo said as cleared his throat.

"Where are you staying" I asked him this time looking into his eyes. I already asked other questions so I might as well, ask all of my questions.

"With Sarah" Angelo confessed looking away from my gaze.

Sarah as in his ex, as in the woman he couldn't fire. The one he assured me, he didn't care about it. Sarah the girl he seemed to be annoyed with and seemed to dislike. That Sarah, I mean I didn't have possession over him. We weren't together but I felt jealous. I felt so hurt and I wasn't sure why. Maybe it's because they were once together. Maybe because he would rather be with her than me. I'm the one that's about to have his babies. I'm the one he is married to. I couldn't let him see that I was hurt and betrayed. I'm not sure why but I feel betrayed. Used even, did anything we did mean anything? One argument, is all it takes for him to run into her arms.

  I unlocked the car doors, not daring for my eyes to find his. I felt a warm touch on my arms stopping me from leaving the car but I shrugged it off. I shouldn't like him and a part of me does. I shouldn't care but I do. Maybe it's because I'm lonely and I don't actually miss him. Still Sarah! I continued walked into the house and into the kitchen to get a class of water. I sat on stools besides the kitchen island and scrolled on Instagram. Hoping to distract myself.

"It's not like that" I heard Angelo's raspy voice echo from the living room. I remained silent still scrolling on my phone.

" Sarah needs someone right now because she's new in town and doesn't know anyone. Well she isn't new but moved away for a couple years. So she's basically new" Angelo explained as he grabbed an apple from the fridge.

" Ok, I understand" I said nonchalant

"What are you jealous" Angelo asked with a smirk as he sat beside me.

" No" I responded with a lump in my throat.

  His explanation added to my wound. I've lived here for two months now and not one friend. I've tried but it seems as though, I am shunned in this small town. I tried to be friends with the gardener but he ignored me. Everyone ignores me and it's been hard for me. I don't talk about it much and pretend to rise above it. I talk to my friends back home on the phone once in a while but that's it. Even if he hates me, I wish he could take that time out and show me around. I had to figure out where everyone lives alone and I had to learn everything alone. Everyone seems to respect him and maybe they would care or even like me if I had help. If my husband outcasts me then why shouldn't they?

Maybe it's my stupid hormones shots since trying to have a baby but it hurts. It hurts that she can get help and I can't. It hurts because it's no big deal to him. Just something to tease me about and that's it.

"Oh come on you understand right, I just want her to feel comfortable" Angelo softly said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

"Ok" I responded barely being able to finish a such a simple word. Immediately I got up from my seat and decided to go to the bathroom.

"What is now, how am I the bad guy again? " Angelo responded bitterly as I walked away.

Why is he always so angry and bitter towards me? I shouldn't have said or asked anything earlier. It's my own fault and I don't feel like arguing with him today.

" Nothing, I think it's the hormone shots. I'm feeling tired so I'm going to shower and relax in bed for the rest of the evening" I said softly as I walked up the stairs, hoping he wouldn't follow me and just leave.

"Shit, I'm sorry I forgot about that" Angelo whispered angrily under his breathe and running behind me up the stairs. Immediately I speed walked to the bathroom and locked the doors behind me. I then took a shower and changed into a nightgown. Existing the bathroom Angelo looked as though, he already showered. He sat on the bed and turned on Shameless. I loved that TV series in many ways it was like my own life except with the meth, crack, and school load of siblings. I'm surprised he watches this show.

I pulled the sheet covers down and laid in bed turning my back to him. Then scrolling on TikTok waiting to feel a slight bit sleepy. I felt a tug on my feet and then warm hands began to massage them. I wanted to pull my feet away but a firm yet harmless grasps was on them. It felt nice to have my feet massaged and I felt so relaxed that I wanted to sleep immediately.

" Look I'm an idiot ok, A shithead and I don't know why I do the things I do but I always feel sorry about it" Angelo mumbled under his breath. I couldn't respond as my eyes become more and more droopy.

"You're a piece of work but you are my wife and you will be the mother of my child. I shouldn't be out with Sarah, I should be at home. I just didn't think you cared or wanted me here" Angelo explained as he crawled into bed with me and pulling me into a hug. He cuddled me and it felt right, but it was wrong. Why should be with me after he slept with Sarah?

I pulled away from his grasps but he pulled me back into his embrace.

" I'm tired of fighting ladybug, for tonight please. I didn't sleep with Sarah or anyone else. I'm yours just stop running" Angelo pleaded with me.

"Fine" I grumbled allowing him to hold me.

" I think we're having twins" Angelo joyfully announced.

" How could you possibly know that" I asked Angelo curiously.

" Wishful thinking, now get some rest for the three of you" Angelo mumbled as he fell asleep and I went to bed right after.