Finding myself

Blue Wedding

  The days passed by faster than expected. I never heard from Angelo again and surprisingly it bothered me. I was all on my own to choose all the details for our wedding. I met his parents alone and somehow it would have been better if he was there. Possibly because the attention would not be directed to me.

  I wondered where he was and what he was doing. Did he even care at all? Somehow a part of me thought he cared or at least would pretend to. Taking deep breaths, I tried to relax the surge of nerves that flooded through my veins. I was ready to be married in a business sense. The white silk dress I choose to wear to this occasion and floral white veil left a trail behind my steps. I've always imagined being married in a gown much like this one. Everything I chose for the wedding, I would have wanted to have in a real wedding. One with the one I am destined to be with. Who I can hold and call my own.

Sadly I know this isn't my reality and I voiding help but to choose. All the things that I know, I'll never receive. My contracts states marriage, two kids, and a minimum of 5 years until a divorce can be filed. Even if we separate and live apart. Somehow knowing Angelo's family, it feels like I'll never be able to escape the rat trap that I am walking into.

The little blue church doors opened and the orchestra played a symphony. Paying no avail to the music, I stared ahead and before me was Angelo. His eyes beamed with pride and parts of me felt at peace. My grip tightened around my mothers arms. My eyes wondering to the flower arrangement around the room. There are so many people attending this wedding. I never realized Angelo would invite so many people. My mother is the only person attending this wedding that I know of. It wasn't that I didn't have any friends or family. I just felt so ashamed of the circumstances I've fallen into. Yes I could run but why run? Yes I could say no but why live in debt? Maybe my choices aren't wise but they're my own.

"Its my choice" I whispered to myself, hoping that I could convince myself it was.

The walk down the aisle was brief and I couldn't let go of my mothers arms. She removed my hands that gripped ever so tightly to her arms. A sigh escaped from Angelo's lips and I realized that everyone's attention was on me. I mustered up all the courage that I had and made my way to him with a smile. I'm sure he was shocked that I smiled. Well I'm not entirely sure he was. A smile as bright as the summer sun glistened from Angelo's face.We held each others hands and as we were about to repeat our vows.

  Angelo cleared is throat and began reading from a piece of paper he took from his pocket.
" Today I give myself to you completely and entirely. I've been waiting for the day's that I would come home to you. Wondering to myself how did I get so lucky? But I've waited for this day to come and I'm unprepared. Unprepared because you are more than I've expected"

My heart felt as if it was going to jump out of my chest. I felt something at that moment and it almost seemed real. It almost seemed as though he loved me. I thought we were going to do standard vows but now I have to say something.

Angelo continued lastly stating " You're more than I expected but you're all that I need. And honestly more than I deserve but I'll cherish our union through sickness and through health"

The attendants at our wedding clapped loudly after his vows. Some even had tears rolling down their faces. Deep inside I knew that I had to say something, something special even if I didn't mean it. The show must go on.

Looking into his eyes the words began to flow.
" Angelo the man who I wish to cherish forevermore, I give myself to you completely. It feels like a fever dream standing before you hand in hand but it's real. So real that even when I'm scared senseless I feel at peace with you. You will be more than a husband to me, you'll be my partner in crime, a friend when I'm crying, and a shield in hard times"