Pain Killer

13 ~ Would you Wear Green?

A gray atmosphere lingers in my room, making the air stuffy. In the early hours of morning, when the sun is still rubbing sleep from its eyes, the whole world feels a thousand times lonelier and colder than usual.

In the dim of dawn, I wake to a sticky feeling in my mouth as if I had been eating cotton in my sleep. The air too, is stale and thick. I push my small window open, letting in the cold morning breeze. It brings in the traffic noises and polluted air of city streets. The next best thing to fresh air.

I suddenly wish I could empty my backpack, stuff it with a change of clothes and toothbrush and take the next bus out of town. I wouldn't do that to Martha though. Perhaps she would like to come with me.

The running away idea intensifies the longer I consider the pros and cons. I look out my tiny window, fantasizing a new life off the grid. How hard could it be, really? I don't know if I would want to live without electricity though. Maybe Martha would like to invest in solar.

Would I tell my parents my plans if I were to really carry them out? I wonder what they would say.

"Whatever you want, sweetheart." I can hear dad's voice, loud and clear in my mind, relieved that I would completely disappear from civilization. They would never have to worry about me again.

Or do they worry at all? Do I cross their minds at random times like they do, mine? Do they wonder how I'm doing and scroll through their contacts to stare at my name? Do they regret letting me go? I wish it was easy to say no to that question. Yet with their absence and cold monthly transaction statements to my bank account, something tells me they do think about me from time to time, and they do wonder how I'm doing, and perhaps they are just as scared to reach out as I am.

I thought it would be easy to cut them out of my life but the ties are proving to be stronger than I or Martha suspected. Maybe they still care. Because I know I do.

...

The sun shines brighter than normal for March. Silvery patches peek through the dancing branches of the majestic oak I sit beneath. My fingers curl around handfuls of short, dead grass. I pull a bunch out and let the pieces flutter away.

An incessant breeze carries through my loose hair and across my face as I stare at the crows picking at an abandoned sandwich. The dreary scene reminds me of my own life and I can't seem to get the idea, that I'm the sandwich, out of my head. I think I'm the crows as well. I smirk at the thought. How pathetic.

I shove another carrot spear into my mouth, crunching as loud as I can out of pure annoyance at their existence. I hate carrots. I loathe their mere presence. And Martha packed me a whole container for the day. Ugh.

The loud crunching grates on my head and I consider the idea of seeing if these orange wood chips would be of interest to the crows. The content birds nibble on the sandwich and I look down at the pack of carrots. Nope. I'd take the sandwich too.

"Excuse me," a voice interrupts my deep focus.

I glance up at a shy smile and sparkling eyes watching me with interest. A flyer is flung in my direction.

"The mental health awareness fair is happening today." The girl squeezes a smile between her words. "Please stop by and get some free food! We also have a ton of resources that you can check out as well as learning more about tuition-paid counseling!"

I stare through the piece of paper in my hand, barely keeping up with the quick chatter of the sparkly girl in front of me.

"I'm Agatha by the way. You can come find me at this booth right here." A finger jabs into my line of sight, pointing at a little map in the corner of the paper. "I'll be handing out stickers and lanyards so be sure to snag some if you stop by!" Agatha waves over her shoulder as she jogs towards another unsuspecting target.